Mental & Emotional Health

So, I’ve sat through several sessions of the conference, I’ve ate lunch with some really awesome people and managed to sit through a couple sessions after lunch.  The pain is growing in intensity and I can feel my foot “trying” to swell.  However, I had no removed my shoe at this point.  It was a dress shoe obviously and I was kind of concerned that IF I took my shoe off, I would not get it back on.

And, I was right. 

As many of you have probably gathered from various posts here, I am the glue in the relationship with my husband.  I handle the decisions unless it is an extremely major one.  For instance, we discussed me attending the conference, but then he had very little input on how I got to the conference, where I stayed, etc.  I make decisions on when to do things like book tickets to the circus for my kids, birthday party places and invitations, etc. 

But, at that moment, sitting on that concrete wall outside the convention center in Miami Beach, I simply didn’t have the ability to think outside my raw emotions.  For the first time in ages and I do mean ages, I cried.  Yes it hurt, but the tears weren’t from pain, the tears were from feeling helpless.  One of my father’s greatest fears was that I would grow up and be dependent on someone.  He did everything possible to ensure that I could survive, independent from any outsiders.  And, I can. 

I can change tires, I can make any and all appointments, I can make and live with my decisions, but at that very minute, I simply couldn’t do it.  I sat down on the concrete wall, observing the taxi’s and limo’s and shuttles and I couldn’t even think well enough to get myself to a taxi or shuttle to get back to the hotel. 

I reached down and removed my shoe.  In the length of time it took me to put my shoe down beside me, pick up my phone (yea it survived the fall without a scratch) and call my husband, my foot manage to swell to the size of my knee.  I removed the other shoe, tears streaming down my face when my husband answered. 

I put the shoes in my laptop bag and begin to ask him “what do I do?”  That is not like me.  I don’t ask for his help in decision making.  I’ve never really been one to ask for help from anyone for anything.  But, emotionally I was at my wits end.  I was in pain, yes, but helpless hurts way more than physical pain and in that moment, tears flowing hard now, I begged him to just “tell me what to do.”

And, he did.  And I did what he said.  And, I woke up the next day with the notion that I could make it.  And, I did.

I will see my own orthopedic doctor tomorrow for the exacts of the broken bone…and I’ll let you know….hopefully I can keep myself together long enough to figure out what’s best. 

Furthermore, I’m taking myself to the doctor, it’s my left foot, I can drive, I don’t need anyone’s help, I’m independent.  I can handle myself.  For now anyway.