Mental & Emotional Health

I’m going to sue this post to build on a discussion about depression and the many causes, such as death.

I’ve been a busy beaver today.  My body isn’t in any shape to be running willy-nilly all over town but I did.  I needed to stay buys.  I carried Ditto-Boy to school.  I retrieved my mom and Mini-Me a gravy biscuit from the fast food place.  I answered two or three emails, I dressed Mini-Me, I "cleaned" myself up and got dressed.

I went back to fast food joint for lunch for Ditto Boy.  I carried him lunch, gave his teacher some more things that I simply found at my home that she could use (mostly construction paper).  We ate lunch with Ditto-Boy.  I chatted with a couple of people I knew, asked a few questions, wasted some time.

I checked Ditto-Boy out at 11:30 and we headed to the bank, then to McDonald’s where they have a play area and wifi.  We stayed there almost 3 and a half hours.  Then to a dollar store, then walmart. 

We made it home.  I haven’t done my normal surfing or writing today as I usually do when I have time on the computer.  For some reason I decided that today was the day to go through the last year and a half worth of photos and prepare them to burn on a cd.  From there, they’ll go to walmart for printing.  Why today?  I had plenty of writing that needed to be done.  Instead, I’m messing with photos.  Some of which I could barely recall when they were taken.

I’ve also read a few blogs but kept returning to the photo editing.  All this in an attempt to avoid what this day means to me.  I know you are all reading this thinking "shut up already lady and tell us".  Well, today marked 20 years ago that my father died.

I’ve told this story many times but the shortened version is that he was in the hospital with pneumonia.  He had been there for almost a week.  He called me on Monday, August 22, 1988 at about 8:30 and said, "Come get me, they are letting me come home."  We discussed that I had a final to take and that I was to return a car to the car dealership or he had to sign the papers on it one as well as having a doctor’s appointment early in the afternoon.  His instructions were to pick him up, we would go to the car lot and he would sign the papers and then he would sit in the car while I took my final and while I went to the doctor.

Side note here, everyone who knew me knew that I had to make those 2 stops and was then planning to go to the hospital.  No one knew he had called me to come take him home.

So, as I started toward the hospital, my car ran hot.  A cop took me to a police station, a wrecker picked up the car and left me and the car at the car lot.  I took the car that dad was buying for me after I picked him up.  This whole process had slowed me down severely so I hurried to the hospital.

He had died at around 11 AM and since he had left orders not to notify me if he died, his friend was notified.  She started calling family and friends.  At that point, they were in a jam.  None of the people involved drove in Birmingham often and were a little afraid.  But, several sucked it up and they took off in groups.

One group headed to our house, one to the car lot, one to the school, one to the car dealership, one to the doctors office and one to the hospital.  It was a mute point.  I beat them all there.  I remember riding in the elevator and hearing this voice say to me, "you are not prepared for what is about to happen but you can handle it".  This elderly man engaged me in small talk and as he got off a few floors lower than mine  he said, "that’s a lot for a young girl like you to handle, you seem to be doing pretty good."

I didn’t know at that time that my father had died.  But, when the elevator doors opened, it was almost like someone slapped me.  I walked down the long hall to his room.  When I arrived at his room there was a note on the door that said, "Do Not Enter Without Nurses Permission".  He had been in confinement and we had all been wearing masks and gloves so that didn’t really bother me like it should have.

But, when I turned around and saw that nurse walking toward me, I just fell in the floor.  I knew.  I didn’t think I could go on. 

So much happened in the hours following that including a nurse putting all my dad’s personal things in his suitcase and then handing it to me.  It felt like I had just picked his luggage up at the airport or something and he was gone off on another trip.

He had asked me to bring him a notebook the day before.  And, so I did.  The only thing in the notebook at all was funeral arrangements.  He had it laid out, the time, the place, the procedure, where he would be buried and how much the whole ordeal would cost.  The when was also mentioned as "the day after I die" and he was adamant that he was not to be embalmed nor was he to have an open casket.  There was to be no viewing at the funeral home and no service there either.  There was to be 2 songs sung and one speaker who would not speak longer than 10 minutes.  He wasn’t playing, he had it planned.

School was scheduled to start for teachers the following day which was the day he had indicated he wanted to be buried.  Since my father was a big worker in the education forum, every school system in the state of Alabama excused their teachers to attend my father’s funeral which was at 11 AM in the morning (which he also stated in his paper).

When it was all said and done, almost 500 people showed up.  Or at least that’s what they tell me.  I wouldn’t have a clue.  I was on that downward spiral already and it would be years before my memory was clear again. 

Here I am today, 20 years later, and I’m happy finally.  I have 2 gorgeous boys and quite an interesting life.  My dad would be happy for me, I’m sure of that.

So, there, I’ve put off writing that all day, now I’m going to bed, and probably think about my dad for a while longer.

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