Mental & Emotional Health

I don’t like the tone of voice that my husband and I are raising our children in.  I know, that sentence shouldn’t end with a preposition, but blah, this post may not have any punctuation.  I’m feeling very dumpy and guilty (the parental guilt kind) and I just need to get the words on paper.

When I read blogs of other parents and they discuss gushing details of their child(ren)’s lives, I catch myself wondering why I haven’t experienced that with my child.  For instance, I just read a woman that said every morning she asks her daughter, "what did you dream about last night?"  I’ve never done that.  It has never occurred to me to do that.  I have to slow down and live more.

Our days are more and more pushed for time and it makes me panicky and agitated when things don’t go as planned.  When I get panicky and agitated, the manner in which our children "hear" us changes.  Notice I am taking the blame for being the agitated one but my husband’s attitude changes when mine does.  And, sometimes, his changes on it’s own, but usually it’s mine.

Anyway, we are rushing through every day just trying to do this and do that and I can’t say when the last time we sat down and just enjoyed each other was.  Since we sold the daycare (which was suppose to open up so much family time for us), I’ve been trying to work from home via this little Internet’s and my mom helps with the boys.

Both boys prefer to be with her than with either of us.  She is tolerate.  We are not.  She gives them 100% of her attention, we do not.  And, as I lie in bed thinking about today (Friday), I was almost crushed in tears.  The waves of guilt came crashing down. 

What could I have done to prevent my 5.5 year old son from throwing a horrible fit in front of his classmates and being severely punished for it?  What could I have done to put a stop to the craziness instead of promoting it?

Why did we have to hurry this morning?  Why couldn’t he have just one more drink?  Why am I mad all the time?  Why is my husband mad all the time?

Add to that my own issues lately with the fact that our children are rude and disrespectful when they talk to adults and I realized, they are merely repeating what they hear.  I’ve mentioned this to my husband before and we both say we are gonna do better, but then, life gets out of control again, and the smart-alec words start to flow.  What they hear, is what comes out of our (me and Boy Genius’s) mouths.  It’s not filth or cursing or anything of that nature.  Just general lack of thank you and please, the yelling of uh’s and yeah’s and throw in the demands, "do it now" or "bring it to me right now" or "stop it or else" toss in a side of "it is none of your business" and you have one down right rude set of children.

I don’t like it.  We are going to change it.  The change has to be with my husband and I.  And, since I can’t change him, I am starting this change with myself.  I know lots of people would cut me some slack because I just changed anti-depressants and I’m sure the dosage is not right yet, plus the TMJ and the sinus and the back but…you know what, does any of that matter. 

Maybe all of that wouldn’t seem so bad if I would enjoy my children, live through their little lives and try to enjoy my own life more instead of running….running…..running….to no where, just come on, we have to go, we have to get here, there and back, now come on, let’s go, put your shoes on…no wonder things are tense. 

No one wants to live like that…not even a 3.75 year old boy that’s not potty trained and a 5.5 year old kindergartener who talks a lot.  Nobody!