How I’m Really Doing
Well, instead of getting a news day, you’re getting a “news-day” about me. I really feel like I haven’t addressed my own mental health in a while and I think it’s time again.
1. Today is day 3 off my Prozac. I moved on Saturday and haven’t found a new pharmacy to have my medication refilled. I am really surprised that I haven’t started having weird cut-off symptoms.
2. However, I am depressed. I feel a crying jag coming on and have been distracting myself with podcasts, happy music, and reading books. I am pulling away from people again and I see myself doing it.
3. My old psychiatrist (ScubaSteve) has called me twice in the past two weeks wanting to check in. I should call him back, but what am I going to tell him? I know I’ll just lie to him and tell him that I’m fine, I’ve got a great new job, live by myself now and am doing great, but I don’t even have the energy to lie over the telephone to anyone now.
4. I had a dating revelation the other night and it has been sitting weird in my stomach (not my brain or my heart, mind you) since then. I actually made myself sick to my stomach (and threw up) over-thinking things. I don’t really know what to do about this and I don’t even know that I really care.
5. Sadly, I don’t care about a lot of things right now. I get up, I go to work (I actually DO enjoy my job, though) and then I either come home, go on a date or meet up with a friend. I don’t really care though. I could do anything at this point and not really care. This apathy, it doesn’t bother me. I am apathetic about my apathy.
6. Not only am I becoming strangely apathetic about things, I am also overly-anxious about things as well. You would think that this wouldn’t match up well, but I can not care about some things (hanging all those pictures stacked against the wall over there), and still be overly-anxious about other things (running at 110% while at work to impress my bosses). I wish I could be overly-anxious about my apathy.
7. I am enjoying living alone … because no one can make me feel guilty for watching shit TV, for dancing along with So You Think You Can Dance or for wandering the house naked; but I miss having someone to talk to. Music (or a podcast) has been playing essentially since I moved into my new place.
8. I have to actually convince myself to go out and do things lately … I am going to see MrsTee this weekend for her wedding reception & house-warming party. I am going. I am not letting myself not go. But I know that an hour before I’m supposed to leave I am going to think up any and every excuse in the book to talk myself out of going. I hate that about my depression.
9. My dating revelation makes me want to give up on dating. This attitude is spreading from just dating to everything else already … it’s been THREE DAYS. This makes me want to shout the eff-word as loud as I can over and over again.
10. My mask is back on. I am pretending, for those who are around me and don’t know me well, that everything is hunky-dory and I’m doing great. I’ve learned to do this so well I am believing in my own lie and ignoring the signs that there is a problem. I know what I need to do to fix this, but time and time again, in my head, I am saying; “I don’t know what to do.”
So yeah, I’m not doing so well, but everything’s fine.
mental and emotional health, personal, apathy, dating, depression, anxiety, medication compliance, lies
June 22nd, 2007 at 10:12 am
Maybe Baby and I will should come over and hang out. I miss you and think this is a great step writing things down.
I will call even if I talk to your VM thats ok.
I love you!!!
June 22nd, 2007 at 6:10 pm
Sarah, get your meds refilled! If you don’t have the money, there are programs to help. Do it!!
*hugs*
June 23rd, 2007 at 2:06 am
yes, sarah, you really should refill them. you should like me, unmedicated and during a depressive phase right before becoming manic. best wishes for some good podcasts.
June 23rd, 2007 at 8:58 pm
Sarah……….
You know what you need to do. You know what you’d tell me to do. So I’m not going to say it.
I will say that Prozac has a really long half-life, so it isn’t causing withdrawl side-effects yet because it’s still at a decent level in your blood. Which means this IS GOING TO GET WORSE. Much worse. You don’t have much time. If it’s a money issue ask ScubaSteve for samples. Prozac is generic; if it’s still too expensive ask what med is cheaper and try that. I know at least one or two antidepressants are on the Walmart $4 drug list.
ScubaSteve calling is a good thing. Shows he’s very good. Shows he cares. Probably also shows he’s concerned things won’t go super. So try to connect because if he’s that with it he may have a good solution in mind.
I think you fell off a cliff and posting this helped you land on a ledge. Get the meds going and find a treater-person and come clean ASAP before you fall off your ledge and lose something major. Trust me, I know how this works. I’ve been there too many times.
I’m worried about you.
June 24th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
Wish there was something I could do to help.
July 4th, 2007 at 11:46 pm
[...] friends don’t know about this blog. Some of them don’t know that I deal with so many mental illness issues and because I work really hard to keep myself 100% put together in front of them 100% of the time, [...]