Mental & Emotional Health

Ok, so things are crazy and I’ve not posted regularly like I should.  Basically, I’ve been at one of the biggest blogging conferences of the year and I am exhausted.  I knew that I didn’t have the stamina of many women my age.  I knew that I didn’t have the stamina of many women over my age.  But, I had no idea just how bad my problems were.

On day one, I was so excited, I stayed up til near 4:30 AM and then had to be at breakfast for a meeting at 7:30.  That set the scene for exhaustion.  Throw in the fact that I cannot walk quite as well as everyone else as my leg is still healing but I was able to wear shoes.  But, I  didn’t actually walk, I more or less loped around. 

I didn’t drink any alcoholic beverages of any kind and about 4 PM, people would start looking at me and asking if I was ok.  The exhaustion showed in my face.  I spent chunks of time in the lobby, just people watching which is something I thoroughly enjoyed.  But, I also sat and envied those who had the energy and where with all to just go go go go, sleep a few hours and go go go go more. 

Naturally, these are the women who had the most fun I’m sure.  They saw more bloggers, met more bloggers, spent loads of time with more bloggers while I sat exhausted watching much of it pass me by.  I haven’t addressed this issue with my doctors since I was diagnosed with thyroid problems and diabetes other than to say that yes, I do take the medication you prescribed.

But, you can rest assured, when I return home, I will set up an appointment for the check-up I missed a couple of weeks prior to this trip to see if there’s more to this story than meets the eye.  The saddest part of it all is the feeling that I missed something.  I feel as if I didn’t get to experience the conference like others did and because of that, I find I’m somewhat depressed.

But, I will make it.  I doubt very seriously if I try another big conference for a while.  I will be content to stay home with my kids and husband, who I have missed terribly and follow the twitter feed.  The difference will be that in the past when I did this, I was green with envy, from now on, I’ll just enjoy it all vicariously through the attendee’ because in reality, my health just won’t allow me to have the fun that I want to have if I am at the conference in person. 

With that, I’ll get you more information soon.  Sorry for the disappearing act.

For those of you who follow my twitter feed, you know that I am often wide awake well into the late hours of the night.  And, as a sufferer of fibromyalgia as well as some other general sleeping disorders such as sleep apnea along with others, I find myself wide awake many nights.  Basically what happens is that someone who suffers a sleeping disorder from the alpha EEG anomaly, which is a direct symptom of fibromyalgia, the sleep schedule is confused because the Alpha EEG anomaly occurs when the brain is suppose to resting and sleeping.  And, then, without noticed, the brain experiences extreme bursts of activity. 

Confused?  If not, you are doing better than me.

I look at it alot like a normal person who had no sleeping disorder or fibromyalgia type issues going to bed every night just like they do every night and all of the sudden there is a fire engineer steering right through the middle of their bedroom.  The next night, the lost sleep from the first night of the fire engine disaster causes the person to feel as if he/she needs and extra bit of sleep and that night, a freight train barrels though their bed room.

Lather, rinse and repeat until you have a severely sleep deprived person who is expected to carry on with his/her life as if nothing is going on because no one but the person affected has a clue that these fire engines and freight trains are anywhere around.

To be continued…

For me, sleep deprivation is about the most difficult of all body issues to deal with.  I can function under a lot of circumstances and I can, due to a certain sleeping disorder, go for days without going to sleep at all.  But, when my body has had enough, there is no stopping it.  I have to just simply pass out cold somewhere.  And, at that point or in normal cases of sleep deprivation on a day to day basis, I forget out to carry oust simple tasks like cook a box of macaroni and cheese or do laundry, etc.  Yea, sounds like an excuse doesn’t it?

One of the clues to getting through fibromyalgia, sleeping disorders and sleep deprivation is to find a way to alleviate the stress by using counseling and then finding the write combination of medications to make it work.

One treatment of insomnia that seems to be gaining in popularity is the combination of physiotherapy and melatonin.  And, to add with that, you get head massages, body massages and similar exercises that allow the muscles to relax and permit sleep to set in.

Most treatment involves medication but couples it with great relaxing techniques and usually some other type of sleeping meds and relaxants.  And, these can be obtained over the counter if you are a casual suffer.

Prior to my diagnosis of fibromyalgia which came many many years before the fact that sleep apnea was horrible and was causing me a lot of issues, I used a lot of over the counter medications to help me sleep. 

And, I guess, my biggest pest peeve is that people with sleeping disorders who are suffering from insomnia and sleep deprivation tend to be made fun of and ridiculed as being lazy and pathetic.  Trust me, I know that one from first hand experienced.  People who don’t understand, who’ve never walked the walked (or should I say laid their head on that pillow) absolutely do not understsand.   And, I don’t know if should even epect them to but it sure would help if people were more open to the idea that we aren’t all alike.

Having suffered from insomnia in one of the worst ways ever as a child, I feel a lot of empathy for my children when they have a hard time falling asleep at night.  The summer months are much easier to deal with because we can let them play outside for hours and hours on end.  Then, we can fill their little bellies, put them in a warm relaxing tub and the generally fall right on off to sleep.  But, in the winter, when their outdoor time is limited, it is harder.  My husband who puts his head on the pillow and conks out cold has no clue what it is like to feel the frustration of sleep deprivation.

We actually disagree on this matter quite often because honestly, if you’ve never suffered, then you don’t understand.  So, as I’ve taken this to a series of posts about sleep, I think it is important for you to know that I really and truly believe and have for sometime that a majority of the behavior problems in school (and I am not talking the severe stuff, I mean the general run of the mill behavior problems) are due to sleep deprivation.  And, when parents are asked, they usually are surprised to find out how little sleep their child actually gets compared to what is recommended.

Our peers think that we are nuts because we have an early bedtime, 7 pm in the winter and usually 7:30 in the summer (just because putting them to bed when it is broad daylight is difficult).  But, then, we they start to tell me of troubles at school or daycare, I simply smile and say, bedtime…..it rules.

So, do you know how much sleep your child should get.  These are just some recommendations that I found around the internet but they seem to be pretty consistent.  Most school-age children need 10 – 11 hours of sleep per night and although some studies show that teenagers need less sleep more like 8.5 to 9.5 hours, many experts believe this to be totally untrue.  Studies show that there is a reason your teenager wants to sleep half the day on Saturday and Sunday and any other non-school day…..their hormones are changing and it simply affects their bodies in many ways. 

So, how about your kids?  How much sleep do they get?  How much do they need?  Can you tell a difference in their behavior as it relates to sleep?  Just curious what the real experts (the parents) think on this matter.

So, I covered what it was like when the adult was missing sleep.  But, when children are sleep deprived, it is most definitely an ugly and pathetic sight to see.  How many times have you been in a restaurant or store and see a small child rubbing his eyes and usually whining but not necessarily crying?  How many times have you, because that’s just what life does, found yourself feeling that same way at some time or another. 

You studied to late, or partied too much and then you have to get yourself up and moving.  And, generally it causes you to be irritable.  So, it only stands to reason, in my mind anyway, that if small babies react this way when they are short on sleep and adults are agitating and difficult to deal with when they are sleep deprived, then the folks in the middle (children, generally ages 5 to 18) most definitely suffer from the problems of sleep deprivation as well.

I made an observation many years ago while teaching that a large number of children are sleep deprived and then it manifest itself in behavioral problems.  And, parents fail to see the problem.  What they see is a child who is getting in trouble at school.  What the teacher see’s is  a child who is restless and tired.  With so much going on after school these days, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that our school age children are sleep deprived and in many cases, getting enough zzz’s would solve a lot of the problems that occur in the daily run of the mill classroom across America.

There’s an article on Blissfully Domestic that addresses this exact same set of circumstances.  Children being sleep deprived, feeling exhausted and tired and then acting out because what they really need is some sleep.

I am a sleeper.  I sleep when life is good, I sleep when life is bad, I sleep when I am depressed, I sleep when I am happy so basically, I just sleep.  People over the years have all diagnosed me with something or another in reference to my sleeping issues when in reality, part of the time, I was depressed other times I was simply exhausted and who knows, sometimes I think I slept out of boredom. 

But, as any parent of a newborn and you will quickly find out that all that sleeping can’t be stored.  No matter how much sleep you have in your reserve tank, it’s all for naught in those first few weeks of an infants life.  The around the clock attention that newborns require can put a strain on even the best sleepers. 

For me personally, I have a couple of sleeping disorders so it would take me longer to go to sleep than it would for the baby to eat, sleep and get up ready to eat again.  And, during the night, once I was awake to feed the little scoundrel, I was wide awake and had to go through the process of “falling asleep” again. 

I was lucky that I had a husband who first of all doesn’t require a lot of sleep and due to his tour in wartime, he can sleep with a small war going on right beside him.  And, could go to sleep just as easily.  Yea, lucky for me he was willing to handle night time sleep duties a lot and let me sleep when I could. 

I have one more thought to go with this……keep reading…

If you read yesterday’s post and you went to the Huffington Post and read the article, you should be ready now to figure out what kind of sleeper I am.  In my personal opinion, I am a no-brainer.  I spill my cuts on a regular basis and that leaves me as the sleeper who sometimes cuddles in the near fetal position and often sleeps face up arms spread. 

Knowing what I know now about my husband and his sleep, he is the prone sleeper, the one who lies face down with his arms over his head.  People like Madonna fall into this category.  Yea, right as if they know how Madonna sleeps.  So, what that basically says is that he is open, vulnerable and he has self-confidence and self-involvement.   Workaholic businessmen and entrepreneurs sleep in this position…and my husband is both of those.

Thinking back to other people that I know about their sleep patterns, the definitions here hold pretty true to form.  If you read down though, you get to the part about people who are a bed.  And, basically what they said is that it’s not so much how you sleep with your partner, it’s how your sleeping habits with your partner change over the years.

We all knows those first few years when life is all about snuggling and spooning, it’s all good.  Then, what?  Well, then you start go have what’s called a bridge where one of the sleepers in the royal position puts their leg over the other ones body or the freeze maneuver where the sleepers sleep with their backs to each other. 

What about you?  Does any of this hold true for the folks you know about their sleeping patterns?

You know, I read alot.  I mean, I have a plethora of reading materials in the bathroom, magazines, books, catalogs and I have the entire world wide web to keep me in tack and reading the rest of the time.  So, I tend to receive links in email and twitter as well as on facebook explaining to me why something or someone is the way they are.

This week’s addition comes via the Huffington Post and it is in regard to sleeping.  Now, let me remind you that I have a horrible sleeping disorder.  I’m not your everyday run of the mill constant insomniac and I’m certainly not an occasional one.  Basically there’s some neurotransmitters somewhere that are neuro-transmitting correctly.  Haha, I thought that was funny.

Anyway, without sleep medication, it would take me days to fall asleep on my own.  I also have From Fatigued to Fantastic’>sleep apnea so without my sleeping apparatus, I’m one lousy sleeper.

But, this article is about the position you sleep in and what it says about you……go look first…then come back and I’ll tell you which kind of sleeper I am…but you gotta guess first….ready, set go…

Honestly, I’ve always loved going places.  But, not necessarily because it was relaxing and what not, I just love seeing new sights and learning about new places.  But, the experts, whoever they may be, will all say that a good vacation (even if it is one that doesn’t involve actually traveling) is really good for you.  You can have a vacation and never leave your home.  And, honestly, those kind are probably more restful than the kind where you spend all your time sight-seeing, but I really do love to go places.

We’ve found in the past that going to the beach in the off-season is really awesome.  The reason is because there’s just not much to do but relax.  You can let the kids get in the sand and play but the water is usually too cold, unless you can find a place with an indoor heated pool.  And, even still, my kids like standing on the balcony watching the waves crash.  So, thus far in-season or off, that’s been our vacation spot of late..the beach.

This time, I chose to go to Gatlinburg, Tennessee.  Why?  Well, because my children were begging to see and play in snow and we certainly weren’t going to find that on the beach.  The thing is, a few days before we got there, it was in the 70’s.  So, the first few days were really kind of mild.

The first few days the boys insisted on wearing their tboggins and gloves.  They didn’t need them but were so excited at the prospect of snow that they wanted to wear them.  Then, when it did get cold enough that they needed them, the novelty had worn off.  So, we really never saw snow but we did get on top of the mountain and see some fake snow, some skiing and what not but it was a really expensive vacation.

And, now I need a vacation to get over that vacation.  I spent today unpacking our bags, folding clean laundry and doing dishes that we left before vacation as well as putting away the Christmas "stuff".  Tomorrow we will hopefully finish putting away all the Christmas hoopla and get the house back in order.  Wayne goes back to work on Monday and Walker back to school on Tuesday.

So, vacation time is over and it is truly time to hit 2009 with the big guns.  A vacation to get over my vacation…that’s what I truly need.

On Thursday my husband and I have an appointment with the marriage counselor.  However, my husband a dentist appointment, remember me talking about that over here.  So, I am going alone.  I am so excited to be going alone that it is silly.  Our last session was one with the four of us.  Yes, I said, four, as in we took the 2 children and we were able to hash through some parenting issues, the sleeping issues and just general stuff. 

This Thursday, I get to chat with him alone.  I suspect that Wayne will want to go alone as well at some point.  And, so it is with much anticipation that I await my appointment on Thursday, after all, after I medicate my husband and get him to the dentist before he can find a reason to cancel, I’ll need some motivation for tolerating his child-like behavior afterwards.

And, so….come Thursday…

I think I mentioned to you guys some time back that my husband and I are in counseling.  It isn’t as if we had serious marital issues either.  We simply have some hashing out to do and I generally don’t play fair.  I say that with hesitation.  I mean, no one wants to admit that they are not behaving, right?

Anyway, we’ve been to 3 or 4 sessions together.  One of the issues that we deemed needed some moderating was that our children still slept with us.  I now say the following with fingers, toes, arms, and legs crossed; our children now go to sleep in their bed without tears and fighting.

And, the person who had to make the change in order for that to happen was me.  When the subject was broached with the counselor, his answer came only after a few questions.  The questions were:

• are you sure this is what you want
• are you willing to deal with the immediate negative turn in order to get to the finish line

We answered yes to both questions.  After Wayne explained his version of why the kids won’t sleep in their own room which went something like, "they know if they cry long enough and ask momma, she will give in", the counselor said, "if you are sure you want to make this happen, then the two of you have to find a way to make it work". 

I agreed but with much apprehension.  How long can a momma listen to her babies cry?  Why should she have to if she can sooth them?  And, since they don’t bother me by sleeping in my bed, why am I the one who has to make the sacrifice for it to work?

And, he asked us again, "are you sure you want this to happen".  My husband said, yes, without a second thought.  And, I said, yes, I am willing to do what I have to do in order to make it happen so that in turn my husband is happy.

Between the visits that we talked about this we had made no progress.  I was staying out of it the best I could but after so long, I simply couldn’t take it.  I would find my kids lying in the doorway on the floor of their room.  They had cried themselves to sleep.  They didn’t have to do that, they only wanted me.  They wanted to be with me.  I want them to be with me. 

Finally, I showed my husband research report after report that says "watching TV before bed is too stimulating for children".  Everyone’s advice, aside from the counselors was to get rid of the television.  And, so we did. 

Now, they go to bed, they don’t ask for TV (which was always the source of a huge argument and I know that the arguing was getting them all wild), they don’t take anything to bed to drink with them anymore, not even water.  They don’t have any excuses to come out of their room. 

Formerly they came out once or twice each for more water, then the TV issue, then it was too dark when the TV went off, blah blah blah.

Now, now it is different.  I stayed out of the crying and let my husband handle it.  But, he met me part of the way and allowed the boys to leave the bathroom light on AND to leave their door open.

For now, it’s a win win.

Here’s a link to another family’s struggle with sleep problems.

Listen, I don’t mean to keep talking about myself here but no one is giving me anything else to buzz about, so again today, you get me.  As I’ve written already, I’m changing my medication (not necessarily I but we meaning the doctor and I) from Cymbalta which toted a hefty $60 co-pay to Prozac which is only $15.  It seemed like common sense.

I’ve been on Cymbalta for several years now and I hated to rock the boat.  We were just flowing along so nicely.  But, monetarily, $60 is just a lot of money when you consider the costs of other drugs that we require around here. 

So, Cymbalta is out, Prozac is in.  Prozac was the first anti-depressant I ever took and when I started it, I don’t recall any side-effects.  For instance, when my husband first started his anti-depressant medication (Lexapro), he had plenty of side effects which eased up as the week wore on.  But, when I started Prozac, I don’t remember any such issues.

But, now, switching from one to the other has kept me down.  I’m dizzy, I’m lethargic, and I’m a little grumpy.  Not as grumpy as I once was without medication, but the change over has been difficult.  I just hope it works out for the best and I haven’t wasted this week for naught. 

Stay tuned and we shall see…

I’m not sure how long it will take for my body to recover from the loss of Cymbalta and the gaining of Prozac.  Today I’ve been mostly a zombie.  I don’t want to talk to anyone, not my husband, not my mom, not even my kids.  I went to my cousin’s volleyball game and said nothing more to anyone other than, "hello, how are you?".  I wasn’t cheering, I wasn’t even remotely excited and truth be known, I probably should have stayed at home in bed.  That’s where I want to be right now through this transition.  I’d like to just sleep through it and wake up happy as I was before the change began.

I started the change on Monday so I guess I’m in for at least another week of this and chances are the dose will have to be raised before I see a substantial change.

I’ve missed lots of important milestones of my very own children and I hate that.  I right now, I’m grumpy and hateful and my own children simply don’t deserve that either.  My husband is trying to cope with me and trying his best to help the kids so they don’t make me lose my cool (which happens really quickly).

So, I have an opportunity right now to make things right with at least one of my kids so I’m off to try to make that work.  It may take more patience that I have, but at least I’m going to try.

Let’s just say that this switch from one anti-depressant to another has gone much smoother than in times past.  However, that does not mean, by any standards, that it has been easy.  It started Monday,  my last Cymbalta was taken on Sunday, on Monday I started the generic Prozac. 

And, on Monday, I felt depressed, not just totally down and out, just dumpy.  I made myself get up and shower and style my newly cut hair in hopes that I would feel better.  Maybe it helped some, but not enough.

Tuesday rolled around and I was down.  All day, in the bed, rising only to grab a drink, use the bathroom and check on my kids.  I did get up long enough to eat some macaroni and cheese and before I knew it, my head was right back on that pillow.

So, day three of Prozac and I’m better but I am so drowsy.  I know that once my body makes the full change over I won’t be so drowsy but right now, right now I think I sleep sound as Sleeping Beauty.  Consider me dead and call the morgue. 

I’m doing better as of late this afternoon and again I’m going to shower and force myself to do something with my hair in hopes of feeling better.  I mean, sometimes just getting out of your pj’s makes life a bit tolerable. 

And, I’m going to watch my cousin play volleyball this afternoon so that should help with my feelings….as long as my children behave.  They’ve been on a tear lately and I think it is just a result of knowing that mom is acting weird herself. 

Look for me later tomorrow to just see if we are meeting some form of equilibrium at all.

See you then.  I would love some discussion!

I am a sleeper.  I’ve always been a sleeper.  I make jokes with people about it because it is quite spectacular to see just how much I can sleep. I once had a roommate that wouldn’t leave me alone about joining her and her friends for movies and pizza or just drinking beer and watching ball games.  I never could make her understand, I enjoyed sleeping.  I finally telling her that I wasn’t really sleeping, I was meditating.  I swear, for me, it was just as healing as meditation.

I’ve made jokes over the years about how the life in my dreams is better than the one in reality so why not sleep when I get a chance.  People simply dismissed it as depression and medicated me.  As you may or may not know, most anti-depressants may have a sleepy effect.  So, that wasn’t always a great idea.

For some one who could sleep as much as I could, I had problems going to sleep and then, I’d wake all during the night.  It was ridiculous.  For many years I took over the counter sleep aids, then I graduated to prescription medications.  The problem remained.  I’ve tried a variety of the popular sleep medications on the market, prescription and non-prescription.  The anxiety I have though was much stronger than the any sleep aid out there. 

Ambien made me hallucinate.  And, I tried it several times over a five year span and I would always return to the same hallucination.  It really was nutty.  So, doctors would keep playing with sleep inducing drugs.  But, as I’ve told you several times, I found a doctor who specializes in chronic pain as well as mood disorders, emotional disorders, etc.  He really has been great for me.

He is the person who convinced me to go to the Sleep Clinic.  I do indeed have sleep apena.  And, I don’t take a sleep-aid to go to sleep, I take a very strong dose of a drug used to treat bi-polar disease.  I am not bi-polar, but I do have such a high strung personality that it takes a drug that strong to settle me into sleep.  The first night at the sleep clinic, even with the drug I normally take, I never entered the deepest zone of sleep.  The technicians were in awe.  He jokingly said that I also managed to run about 10 miles.

I returned to the clinic with doctors orders for a sleep apnea machine.  That night I entered the deepest zone of sleep approximately 45 minutes before time for me to get up.  However, I wasn’t waking 15 or 16 times an hour from sleep apnea and I managed to run a much shorter distance.  Success?

By most folks standards that would probably not be success.  I mean, I still have to take a drug that is made to treat a completely different illness in order to go to sleep, I have to sleep with the aid of a CP machine and I take a medication to curb the restless leg syndrome.  But, in my world, the fact that I make into a deep sleep every night means I rest more than I ever have before.  The legs remain still and it doesn’t take me hours upon hours to go to sleep.  (I remember having insomnia as early as age 8).

So, if any of this sounds familiar to you, please find yourself a good doctor, and a sleep clinic and get yourself taken care of.  I still love to take a nap.  I can be wide awake and plowing through my day and if someone suggest we quieten down and nap, I’m all over it.  I simply love to sleep.

The best I can tell, I was born to be a sleeper and my job is to dream.  As of late, I’ve been dreaming pretty doggone big too.  So, it can’t be all bad now can it?