Mental & Emotional Health

Ok, so you see, I am not complaining, let’s get that out there, free and clear.  I was able to get a buddy pass in which to fly to Chicago for a conference.  All was well, I showed up, knowing that I as flying standby and it was a big IF as to whether I would get on the flight or not.  And, I got on, first flight, right on the plane and off to Chicago I went.

So, fast forward to the conference ending and now I am sitting in the airport, almost a week later and I’ve been on stand by since yesterday morning at 5:40  I mean, come on, if you are god enough to get to the airport at 5:40, surely there won’t be so many people that you have to wait til the next flight right?

WRONG!  I couldn’t be more wrong.  A day later and an entire afternoon spent sitting and it doesn’t appear that I’ll get on this 4:15 flight either.  So, when does one lose her patience?  I mean, it was free.  When does one lose her sanity?  I mean, I knew it could happen.  When, just when does one go bizerk sitting in a wheel chair in an airport at the mercy of whoever feels compelled to push me around.  And, when does one just lost her sense of being because her bladder is tempting fate.  Yea, get on a plane when you already have to piss like a racehorse and then what? 

Wait some more…hold it some more.  Then what?

I have always thought of myself as a fairly outgoing, open-minded, full of party kind of girl.  The fact that I learned a huge lesson is neither here nor there.  What happened to that person I was, where did she go?  I mean, am I so medicated that I prefer to just be alone and zombie out to the tune of  party of 3 or 4 than to hit the biggest, loudest, most crowded party I could find?  I mean, really?

I’ve discussed that I know I don’t cry sometimes when I should but when I thought my wallet was lost?  I cried.  I didn’t at first.  At first I just sat numb, trying to figure out how in the heck I was going to handle financial matters but better yet, how was I going to get on a plane with no identification.  The security guard helped with the latter but fortunately for me, I found the wallet. 

But not before I cried in front of a security officer, a company representative and a good friend.  I begged my husband to forgive my ignorance and promised to never leave home without him again.  When it was all said and done, I cried myself to sleep.  I was spent, emotionally I was drained.  I had partied, I had listened, I had talked (ok, I mostly talked) and I had used every emotion that I owned.  Fortunately, the biggest emotion that I took ownership of was laughing but sometimes, I good cry is beneficial for everyone, right?

It seems that these days I am a disaster in the making.  I can an do make more mistakes in judgment than ever before in my life.  I have been swooning to attend Blogher for 3 years.  No kidding last year I even wrote a post about all those who went and my opinion was very wrong even then.  This year I was going to Blogher one way or another.  I found people (sponsors) to help me pay the way, however, so did hundreds of other people. 

On Wednesday night I had a great time in the lobby, chilling with a few other people.  Literally I mean a few other people.  And then…it began…..

On Thursday I attended an event with 49 other women, and then Thursday night it was one massive party after another.  One breakfast, one lunch, one session, one huge expo hall, all of them cram packed with people.  And I like people, right?

Of course I do.  But apparently I like my people in groups of 5 to 10 as opposed to 500 or 1000.  I had a lot more fun hanging with the few than hanging with the many.  Moreover, it was quite obvious to everyone that this was the case as people I knew would pass by me and say, “wow you look tired” and yes, indeed, I was tired but I was also over-whelmed.  I was feeling the effects of an emotional rollercoaster.  The desire to belong in every room, at every party with every group and the counter attack of wanting to hang out in a room or in the lobby with just a few people and enjoy it. 

I did spend some time in the lobby just hanging out alone.  GASP!  Me?  Hang out alone?  I hate to be alone.  Actually I wasn’t alone, there were a couple of thousand other people there and watching them made me much happier than joining them in many cases.

All I can say is who would have thunk it?

Ok, so things are crazy and I’ve not posted regularly like I should.  Basically, I’ve been at one of the biggest blogging conferences of the year and I am exhausted.  I knew that I didn’t have the stamina of many women my age.  I knew that I didn’t have the stamina of many women over my age.  But, I had no idea just how bad my problems were.

On day one, I was so excited, I stayed up til near 4:30 AM and then had to be at breakfast for a meeting at 7:30.  That set the scene for exhaustion.  Throw in the fact that I cannot walk quite as well as everyone else as my leg is still healing but I was able to wear shoes.  But, I  didn’t actually walk, I more or less loped around. 

I didn’t drink any alcoholic beverages of any kind and about 4 PM, people would start looking at me and asking if I was ok.  The exhaustion showed in my face.  I spent chunks of time in the lobby, just people watching which is something I thoroughly enjoyed.  But, I also sat and envied those who had the energy and where with all to just go go go go, sleep a few hours and go go go go more. 

Naturally, these are the women who had the most fun I’m sure.  They saw more bloggers, met more bloggers, spent loads of time with more bloggers while I sat exhausted watching much of it pass me by.  I haven’t addressed this issue with my doctors since I was diagnosed with thyroid problems and diabetes other than to say that yes, I do take the medication you prescribed.

But, you can rest assured, when I return home, I will set up an appointment for the check-up I missed a couple of weeks prior to this trip to see if there’s more to this story than meets the eye.  The saddest part of it all is the feeling that I missed something.  I feel as if I didn’t get to experience the conference like others did and because of that, I find I’m somewhat depressed.

But, I will make it.  I doubt very seriously if I try another big conference for a while.  I will be content to stay home with my kids and husband, who I have missed terribly and follow the twitter feed.  The difference will be that in the past when I did this, I was green with envy, from now on, I’ll just enjoy it all vicariously through the attendee’ because in reality, my health just won’t allow me to have the fun that I want to have if I am at the conference in person. 

With that, I’ll get you more information soon.  Sorry for the disappearing act.

Bio: Deb writes and lives in the Boston area with her husband and their two young children. Find more of her work at www.spawnocalypse.com.

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Although I could ramble about my mental and emotional ups and downs all day, I decided to interview an expert on an issue I struggled with throughout most of my teens and 20s (and am now mostly free of, as a mom in my 30s). Lori Hanson, an accomplished writer promoting eating disorder awareness and recovery, was kind enough to answer several of my burning questions about this journey.

Deb: How would you describe what it feels like to have an eating disorder to someone who’s never suffered from one?

Lori: It’s total entrapment, surrounded with the worst form of obsession, shame, embarrassment and hoping no one else will notice. It’s thinking about how much you hate your body from the moment you wake up until you go to bed at night. As a bulimic, it is concern about what you ate, when you ate, how much you ate and how you screwed up. Every morning you wake with new found hope that this day you won’t fall prey to the behavior and every night you go to bed consumed with anger, fear, guilt, shame and hatred for yourself. Life is all about “when I weigh 108 pounds, then I’ll be happy and my life will start.”

Deb: Did you have any major "aha" moments in your own ED recovery?

Lori: My biggest “aha” moment in my recovery was realizing that in order to recover I had to reconnect my mind and body. I lived for over 30 years in my head because when I looked in the mirror I could not own the body looking back at me. When I learned how to get my energy flowing from head to toe through some alternative bodywork, I reconnected my mind and body and it felt incredible. The next day on the treadmill, I was aware of my legs, calves, and felt the movement of my hips and butt as I ran. I realized in that moment what it must be like to be an athlete and very tuned in to your body. It was the start of learning how to be in the moment and feeling the place I was in while I worked out.

Deb: Have you noticed any common denominators among those who successfully recover from EDs?

Lori: Attitude has a lot to do with it. Getting to a conviction of knowing and believing that you can recover, that you deserve live a good life. But beyond that, in my practice, it’s addressing several things that I call the Hot Pastry Principles™: improving self-esteem, understanding what contributed to your eating disorder, diet and nutrition (learning how to eat balanced meals), reprogramming your mind to support you vs. beat you up and improving your mental and physical health with body work.

Deb: What’s the first thing you tell yourself when you feel the tug of your ED (if you still do)?

Lori: I quit binging on food back in ’96 and then spent 10 years using alcohol in the same pattern, which I didn’t realize until I started to write my book. This is common with addiction and addictive behaviors until you get to the core of the issue and resolve it. When life gets really stressful at times I feel the call of the wine, which is still the call for the sugar and simple carbs I used to binge on. Two things are important: #1 – keeping your body chemistry in balance, and second it’s critical to learn to live “in the moment.” If I’m feeling a craving for something I stop and identify what I’m feeling and why. I use deep breathing to pull me out of my head and back into my body aka out of impulsive behaviors. I’ve developed several coping tools that I share in my practice and use in these moments. For more information please visit: Learn2Balance.com

About Lori:

Lori Hanson battled with bulimia and her self-image for 34 years. She recognized her experience and approach to recovery was a gift she had to share with others. Lori shares her story and approach in her award winning book It Started With Pop-Tarts^®…An Alternative Approach to Winning the Battle of Bulimia. Her second book, Teen Secrets to Surviving & THRIVING will be released in 2009.

After a successful 28 year career as a software consultant and professional services salesperson she left to pursue her passion of self-improvement. She is founder and CEO of both Shewolf Press and Learn2Balance a company focused on improving the lives of others.

A media favorite, Lori has appeared on national radio and TV shows to bring awareness to the epidemic of eating disorders. Her goal is to help individuals find empowerment much younger in life than she did.

After reading that title I wasn’t sure if I wanted to proceed with it but, I believe I will.  You see, tomorrow is my  8 week post-op from having surgery for my broken leg.  And, for the last 2 weeks I’ve still been in a cast after surgery but in the last 2 days, I’ve been testing the walking and I do believe I am ready to get out of the cast.

Originally I figured he would tell me that I could quit sleeping in it and not wear the cast at home but to continue to wear it if I am going to be walking much.  And, he very well tell me that.  And, if he does, I will but I really feel confident that I may be done with the cast for good.  It’s only been 5.5 months, don’t you think it’s about time?

And that my friends…has me in high spirits.  The whole idea of digging out the right shoe to all the shoes I’ve been wearing these last 5.5 months is daunting.  I may never find the mate.  But, all I can think about is how awesome it is going to be to go to Blogher without  cast.  To retrieve my own food and drinks and play with my kids.  I can promise you, if I am given the green light, I am going to start my EASports Interactive Challenge and I am going to take my kids to the pool next week for some splashing and fun.

I am truly amazed at how much better I feel just thinking about what might come to fruition with my broken – non-broken leg..  I just want to squeal with delight and I can already see that my move is improving. 

P.S. It doesn’t help that I have been in touch with the likes of Andy Baldwin and Elisabeth Hasselbeck on Twitter.  Absolutely awesome!

The following post is a guest post written by Deb Beaulieu.  You can find her on her own blog at Spaqnocaplypse.

Deb Beaulieu received her Bachelor of Arts in English, with a minor in psychology, from Salem (MA) State College in 2001. For the past eight years, Deb has worked as a journalist and editor for various publications in the insurance and healthcare trade press. She lives in the Boston area with her husband and two young children. In April 2009, she launched her first parenting blog—www.spawnocalypse.com—where readers come to laugh, cringe, and relate. Deb is also an avid long-distance runner who completed the Cape Cod Marathon in 2004.

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I’ve worked hard to like myself, to have a positive outlook, to put the brakes on the self-destructive roller coaster I rode for more than half my life. But not everyone in my life has done the same. They may not be abusive or mentally unwell per se, and certainly not evil, but almost every word out of their mouths makes me agitated and sad.

I’m not willing to quit my immediate family, but for more than a decade I’ve kept them at arm’s length and felt better for it. I didn’t realize until I lived away at college—a place where aspirations were applauded rather than resented—how freely I could live. It was also refreshing not to have to get up early and hang the sun for anyone day in and day out.

The main person I’m referring to here is my mother. Though I don’t mean to pick on her, her attitude has had a ripple effect on how I interact with the rest of the family. You see, in the aftermath of my parents’ divorce, I became the literal center of my mom’s world.

Instead of therapy or friends or a hobby, my 40-something mom turned to a nine-year-old to vent her frustrations and pain. The anguish she suffered from my dad’s betrayal was real and not her fault, and I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn’t know our relationship was harmful. (There were a lot of good parts, too. Throughout my adolescence, I was much more open with my mom than my friends felt they could be with theirs.)

But I envied the pressure my friends felt to succeed. While they were studying hard and touring colleges, my mom scoffed at even giving me a ride to take the SATs (which I’d studied for with a tattered guide one of my teachers was going to throw out). “What do you need to take those for?” she sneered. I recognized at age 16 that her plan—subconscious and unintentional, I’m sure (I hope)—was to sabotage my future so I’d stay put and nurture her needs indefinitely.

Until I got married and began raising my own family, I felt a lot of guilt for leaving the roost, even though I knew I was a better person for it. Today, I cringe when I hear my mom lament that my son and daughter—her only grandchildren thus far—are the only happy thing in her life.

So even though my kids adore their grammy, I keep the calls and visits to a minimum. I stay away even longer after a particularly pleasant exchange—so I can enjoy feeling normal for a while.

My solution to dealing with toxic family members is probably not ideal, and somewhat cowardly, but I feel a confrontation would do more harm than good. At least for the foreseeable future, I can accept that this is the way things are.

Do you continue relationships that threaten your emotional well-being? How do you handle the poisonous people in your life?

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For those of you reading this who think that I wrote this under a pseudo name?  I didn’t, but it certainly does parallel my own life in a many ways.  There are a few difference, I have only one child and my torment started at age 4 not 9.  But, this is absolutely what I would like to have written regarding my own family.  Amazing stuff! 

So, I ask you, how so you handle these issues?

So, like I was saying, I am in a serious funk.  My foot is certainly not cooperating and as it is right now I am most likely going to be going to Blogher with the biggest ugliest accessory known to man. 

Wait, no, not a wheel chair but I am telling you,if you think there is anything fashionable about that big ugly gray boot?  Then you are NUTS.

So, with that, I complain.  I am sitting at a state park in the pavillion with one of the coaches while the rest of the adults along with the kids are all gone to the water. That would be the water that I cannot get in and enjoy because I am bound to this freakin’ chair.   I know I could look at the positive side of things and figure at least I don’t have to clean or cook or keep up with these kids.

But, as we near June 22nd, we will be approaching five months in a couple of days and dadblameit, I am sick of this doggone cast.  I am absolutely ready to get a hacksaw and start cutting. 

No lie, I tried to stretch last night and got it in a crooked position in the cast and it wouldn’t straighten up.  I basically had to just do my best and go to sleep and let it relax.  So, with that….I got up this morning and it really wasn’t as bad this morning. 

It hurt pretty bad today but I was on and off it quite a bit, hauling my big ol’ backside around with a walker and crutches and a big ugly cast.  People were commenting on the great color of it…you know, I started with pink.  It was happy happy and was suppose to help make me happy.

My next one was purple, dark purple and it didn’t do much for my mood either.  Now, neon orange…it’s a beauty but it clashed with my nail polish.  Plus, it was getting chipped and definitely needs to be repainted…..but…being without free time, I jut removed the old polish on the toes I could get to and left it on the ones I couldn’t……making me feet look really ugly.

You can darn well bet that no matter how I get to Blogher and what I am wearing on my left leg, my nails will look better…much much better.

Yea, you know, the typical female joke about how women change their minds and then how they are happy and then sad and moody during certain parts of their cycle.  Are you one of those?

I am not really.  I mean, I am me, I am rarely just plain moody without a reason to be, but some things to make me all jumpy and excited and of course, nothing like a sad story to make me sad too.  But, after watching So You Think You Can Dance and the judges are just cracking me up. 

I watched part of it, then my husband got out of the tub with the kids and we watched most of it again.  I had seen all of it but 3 couples and it was so happy that I just loved watching it again.  So, we watched the entire show again and after listening to all that yelling and excitement and all the kind words, I am too stoked to even go to bed.

So, now, I am up working and honestly, I am so energized that it might be a while before I am able to go to sleep.  Now there’s a way to get in a good mood.

I don’t think I can pick a favorite couple yet or even a favorite dancer.  Right now the judges are so over bearing and really in a good way that it is not important.  I think they were very kind to the dancers tonight and tried to be uplifting and complimentary to give the dancers some momentum going into next week and then I doubt they are near as nice.

But, we will always hear Mary getting on the Hot Tamale Train and I think her Hot Tamale Train might actually have a lot of heavy drinking involved.  Just kidding, I love her.

I’m watching this week’s Bachelorette on DVR.  And, the emotions of this young lady are amazing.  She has made a big statement though and that is “I don’t want to cry over this person because he does not deserve my tears”.

Many women need to have that feelings when it comes to dating and looking for that man to spend the rest of their life with.  And, Jillian, in my opinion, has been a bit more…sleazy…that’s a bad word…than any other Bachelorette, whether it be one that is actually the Bachelorette or if it is one of the ladies who has been on the show as a female. 

But, she is apparently one smart little chic and I hope that each and ever woman that’s watching this show can learn from Jillian and her profound statement.

Remember it, “this man does not deserve my tears” if there is a guy in your life and he isn’t treating your right, get rid of him and remember, “he does not deserve your tears”.

I wish I had been that mature over the years.  Rejection is hard, but don’t allow yourself to be on the bottom of this chain, big strong, be larger than life and do what you have to do.

It all started when…..when we having issues getting back to Atlanta.  And, I was nice enough to tell the gate guy that my plans were flexible and if there people who needed to be on an earlier flight that I could wait, I didn’t mind.  That is about where my emotional health lost it’s coolness.

I was good until I found out that not only were we not getting food vouchers for a 4 hour delay that was the airlines fault, I found out that I had to go outside of security to find a place to eat.  Please bear in mind that this is the same airport I slept in with a broke leg a few 5 months earlier because I missed my flight by 24 hours. 

I returned and took a short nap…..after of course I went through security and my cpap machine set off the alarms and not only was I hand patted and shook down, now my husband was as well.  Ok, I can cope, whatever.

Once we boarded our flight, the plane lost power and we all had to get off the plane and wait.  Corporate offices for Spirit airlines was kind enough to say that we were delayed until 9:20 and we would be leaving from H9 terminal this time instead of……the terminal we had originally boarded and deplaned which was….H9.

Ok, so the flight is about as smooth as a ride on a bull’s back and guess what, we didn’t even get complimentary water and crackers.  No really, the fact that you had to pay for your own chips and drink with a credit card or debit card was agitating when they were doing things right.  But now, now that we are 5 hours or more delayed, the least they can do is gimme some water….

To be continued on how I went from Zero to Bitch in under 10 seconds….

Ok, so the old adage that you get what you pay for might ring true if the lady sitting next to me hadn’t told me that she paid 3 time as much as I did for this flight.  And, she wasn’t even on the leg of the flight that was late coming out of Orlando.

I was nice enough the first time I called Spirit Airlines’ corporate office.  I mean, you know, I looked up their number on their website.  And, what I saw was two phone numbers, one for English and one for Spanish.  I politely dialed the English number and was only slightly annoyed when I heard this message “if you would like to speak to a representative in English, please press 1”

What in the heck is that about?  Why give me 2 numbers…..then ask me that anyway.  Then connect me to an agent who could barely and I do mean barely speak English.  He told me there was nothing he could do.  Yep, annoyed….but only slightly.

When we were forced off the second plane with no details, I approached the agent at the desk who told me to “go look it up in the library, they have 3 hours before they owe me anything”  to which I replied, “Well, it’s been 5.5 hours”  

So, I called Spirit Airlines corporate office again and again I was asked if I wanted to speak with an English speaking agent…now I am pissed.  And not only am I pissed, this chic that told me to go to the library and look it up is listening to me.  Other passengers hear the corporate guy tell me we had been delayed until 9:20 PM and why did she not tell us that and hello…what is this about  moving gates….he said we were moving from the terminal and gate we were at to another one.  Ok, which one?

When the news came through that we were moving from H9 to H9…..me and plenty of other sweet little cherub passengers were a little bit pissed.  And you can only imagine the furor when they announced to the folks headed to Tampa that their flight was being delayed (again) because the flight crew had left the airport.  Yea, no kidding.

Ok, so where exactly did I lose my cool?  Somewhere between 2:30 PM and 9 PM I completely lost my cool.  So you can only imagine as we I was pre-boarding for the second time and the lady who had told me to “go to the library and look it up” and who had overheard me on the phone with corporate explaining that I was told such stupidity, she decided to apologize and explain to me why she had told me such ignorance.

To which I replied, “Just give me my paper” and my husband declared “Do not let it be said that you are not a bitch”

Yes indeed, a bitch, on a plane 8 hours later than planned, with no complimentary drinks, not even water, a broken lavatory and someone with a serious bout of gas.  Lovely eh?

Most people can handle their emotions.  I personally handle mine just fine now …with the right amount medication.  And, so people who are considered emotionally healthy are in control of their thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  They feel good about themselves and have good relationships.  They can keep their problems in check and do well with it.  And, I can do that, with the right amount of medication…..

So, what about anger?  Does anger affect your emotional health.  So, if you find yourself increasingly angry about certain events or other people’s actions, then you need to do the right thing….go find you a good doctor……

And, how do you avoid problems?  You have to learn to understand the cause of your anger and the events and other people’s actions.  So, if you find yourself increasingly irritable or taking unhealthy risks…then you need to talk to your doctor…..

Yea, did that come off sounding like a sermon…I didn’t mean for it to…ok, yea I did too.

Ok, I know that sounds like a silly question, but the fact of the matter is, people who suffer from mental illness in all shapes and forms are still carry around this big bucket of stigma on their shoulders..or around their waste, or on their butt for that matter.  Regardless, it has to stop.  It has to stop now too.

So, with that, I’m going to lead you in the direction of an article on Medical News Today which has an article entitled, “On 100th Anniversary, Mental Health America Declares “It’s Time for Mental Health”.

I think the reality of it is I don’t actually do as much here on this site in the area of Mental Health as I should.  I focus quite a bit on emotional health.  So, taking a look at mental health is a good idea for a a point of focus for a little while. 

Mental Health America started as the negative impact of war started to appear with families of soldiers returning from war and how those men and women were living with trauma.  I’m married to a war vet, I don’t care what anyone tells you, the trauma is there.  It is real.  I wasn’t married to him then so I personally don’t feel the personal pain, but I know he does.  He doesn’t talk about it much, but when he does, it’s painfully obvious that he was traumatized.

If you want to read the article or if you just want to check out Mental Health America’s site, feel free to do so, then I’d love to hear your personal stories and comments.

Ok, so see, as I said, I’ve never been away from my children much.  And, I have missed not one, not two but on Saturday, I will have missed three of my son’s basketball games.  Never in a million years would I have dreamed I would do that.  My parents never came to any of my school functions or athletic events.  Well, not until I was a senior in high school and they figured out I was about to sign an athletic scholarship.  I guess then they thought maybe I was worthy of their time, especially if collegiate scouts were.  Eh?  You don’t say.

Anyway, to make matters worse, both of my kids have t-ball practice tonight.  That would be the first practice ever for my four year old.  And, I’m going to miss it.  Yea, bad parent, bad bad parent.  But that folks, that is not how I am going to manage to rack up some bills for these children. 

I’m doing that by leaving town, and allowing my mom to do the same, without really telling my children bye.  I mean, they knew I was leaving today.  They got hugs and kisses last night as usual.  But, I didn’t see them this morning before I left.  And, my mom did much the same.  She just simply told them bye as if she were going home…and then left town and left them hanging. 

So, yea, go ahead, do your child damage and see if you don’t incur some therapy bills because of it.  Go, go, I dare you….

Me, being all happy with Jen Lancaster.  I have to make you all see how happy I am while making my children miserable.