Mental & Emotional Health

Just so you know that my thoughts about my size didn’t come strictly from my mother.  My father was a small man.  He was about 5′7" and when he wasn’t smoking and was instead nibbling on every thing in sight, he weighed maybe 130.  So, by the eighth grade, I was bigger than my dad.  I out-weighed my dad early in my life.  That alone wasn’t easy to accept. 

My paternal relatives are all small.  My grandmother at a whopping 95 pounds, and my grandfather probably 130 or 135.  My dad’s sister probably doesn’t weigh 100 pounds either.  So, it isn’t like I necessarily have the gene of being a big woman.  However, my maternal grandfather pushed 300 pounds most of my life.  But, my maternal grandmother and her family, little people as well.

It was kind of like when the dice were rolled to choose my gene for my size and I had a one in four chance of being a large woman, I lost. 

But, back to the fact that my mom isn’t the only one who left me with bad memories of my weight.  I’ll be the first to say that I started being very conscious of my weight by the age of 13.  I had entered puberty way before most of my classmates and I had curves that no one else had.  Once in high school, I fit in a little better and it wasn’t to bad.  I would run from 120 to 130 depending on the time of year.  I played fall and spring sports with the spring sport carrying over through the summer.  But the winter?  Oh the winter was hard.  I would always gain weight during the winter, but once spring rolled around, I could shake it off.

It was a never ending see-saw.  So, since I’ve told you way more stuff that is pertinent to this story, I’m going to try to get to the end.  My father passed away when I was 19, so you know that the comment from him had come my way basically from the age of 14 til 19.  What comments?  It was as if he was a parrot on my shoulder, watching what I ate, watching me gain weight and lose it and while I paid no attention in any way to what was happening.  I didn’t try to lose the weight any more than I tried to gain it.  It was just the part of the cycle of my activities.

But, I remember my father telling me one time, "you know, when you have your eye on a certain guy you lose weight, when you catch him, you put it back on….just like your mother"  I was almost 17 when he said that and I’ll never forget it. And, as it is, he was right.  Those bikini wearing 140 pound days were when I was single…the ballooning up was during times of a relationship, teeter-totter, teeter-totter. 

A memory…yea, probably said without much thought, just a simple observation made by a  father of his daughter.  But it stung, it stung bad.

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I don’t know how many of you have even heard of the book The White Trash Mom’s Handbook by Michelle Lamar and Molly Wendland but if you need to do our best to get your hands on a copy of this book and read it.  You may wonder how it has anything to do with Mental and Emotional Health.  Just keep reading, I’m going to tell you.

I remember distinctly being bullied in school.  I was bullied for all kinds of reasons.  I was bullied because my parents weren’t married to each other.  So, don’t think for one minute that your child and his peers know nothing about you and your partner/spouse/significant other.  These kids are sponges and they are absorbing everything they see and hear.

I’ve known for 5 years that my child would start school in August of 2008.  One of my goals was not to be labeled in a way that would embarrass my children.  When we had our Christmas photos made professionally in 2006, I told my husband that I was "losing some weight before next Christmas because I’m not hiding in the back for every Christmas photo we have made". 

Guess what?  I didn’t lose any and I actually gained (which I now know is the result of diabetes and thyroid) a little weight.  So, when Christmas professional picture time came around in 2007, I hid in the back again.  At that time, I told my husband, "I’m losing some weight because I do not want Walker to have to deal with other kids saying that the fat woman is Walker’s mommy."

Do I really think kids will do that?  Your doggone right they will.  I don’t think for one minute that the kids won’t notice and I  know from experience that they will make fun of me and in return make fun of my son. 

And, you know what happens when you mess with one of Mama Bear’s Cubs, right?  Yea, Mama Bear gets angry.  But, I did lose but approximately 10 pounds and thus far I’m not doing a very good job at trying. 

But, as son as I am given the thumbs up from my doctor to go ahead and exercise (remember I have mono), I have a treadmill in my living room just calling my name.  Yup, I may have to hide in this year’s Christmas photo too but next year, not a chance!  And, my children’s peers aren’t going to label me as "the fat woman" forever.  I can promise you that.

I haven’t talked much about a couple of things here that are central to my life and possibly you can relate.  One of those is my weight.  I’m big.  I’m 200 pounds big.  I have diabetes and thyroid disorder but in recent weeks, I’ve made no effort to do anything about keeping my sugar regulated and thus I’m in a bouncy place of up 2 pounds, down 4, up 3, down 2, etc.

The other issue is that my mom and I aren’t very much alike.  That would really be the understatement of the year.  I am a lot like my father and with that, it is just normal I think that we wouldn’t be the best of friends.  My parents divorced when I was 4.  They fought until I was close to 18.

When you put those two issues together, you definitely get a memory that become a scar.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s more to the issue of my weight than simply my mom and the idea that we don’t get along, there’s way more there than just my mom.  (I’ll get to that later.)  But, the memory that stands out for me regarding my weight goes something like this.

I was getting married, for the first time.  I was terribly self-conscious of my shape.  I weighed about 140 pounds.  Other females my age were wearing clothing that suited their shapes.  Not me, I was covering myself up, ashamed that I had ballooned to 140 pounds once again.  (Later I put that same 140 pounds in a bikini and sported the beach with a little but more confidence, so it couldn’t have been that bad could it?) 

Back to my story, I saw myself on video from one of my bridal showers.  I was dumbfounded, I couldn’t believe that I could possibly be as big as I looked on the video.  So, I asked my mom if I was really that big.  And, what she said to me was, "well you certainly aren’t skinny".

I wasn’t asking if I was skinny, I was asking if I was a monster.  Hindsight, looking at those photos, no I wasn’t skinny, but that same body that was on video that I was made to feel ashamed of was not so shabby in a bikini just a couple of years later.  That memory, asking my mom, asking someone to boost my confidence as I headed into what was suppose to be the best day of my life…….became a scar.  

(I’ll tell you some more another day.)

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This is totally an anonymous example.  I can’t and won’t reveal any sources.  I’m just curious if anyone out there that is reading has seen such habits, felt such insecurities and has any idea how to go about helping someone in this situation.

Ok, we are talking about an 18 year old kid.  I’m going to call him Joey but obviously that is not his real name.  He lives with his mother who I am calling Carol, again, not her real name.  Joey’s father is not in the picture but there is an older brother but he too lives several states away.  Here’s the story.

Joey graduated from high school and wanted to go to college.  Because of his situation, not only did he not have help getting help getting into college, preparing paperwork for grants and loans, he didn’t have transportation to get to and from college either.  This kid leaves where there is no public transportation. 

As a side note, I’ve seen many situations like this and if the proper channels are doing their job, the kid ends up in college, with monetary help and someone who lives close by that doesn’t mind giving the kid a ride.  That simply didn’t happen in this case. 

Now, the kid is disappointed about not going to college.  That much is known for sure.  The kid is also binging and purging.  He is taking laxatives when he can and everyone around him is watching this from behind the scenes wondering who and when someone should intervene. 

Carol contacted a doctor who specialized in these behaviors but was told that he would prefer Joey see a doctor that specialized in teenagers because he felt that Joey’s situation was more out of control than he was comfortable dealing with. He also mentioned to the mother than many times when a young boy this age had issues with binging and purging, he was also struggling with his identity.  Indeed the child did say he thought he might be homosexual and was spending time with a man 20 years older than him that was a known homosexual.

Carol made the appointment with the doctors which just happened to be in a town an hour and half a way, Joey cut his wrists.  He was carried to the emergency room where the doctor sent him to the only hospital that would take him sense he was a medicaid (All-Kids actually) patient.

Joey was only kept for 3 days and the doctors declared that nothing was wrong with him.  He was sent home. 

Fast forward a few weeks and he was acting odd again.  His mother wasn’t home for a few days but when she returned, he had been serious beaten up.  Joey wouldn’t tell his mother anything but indicated that the man he had been with that was much older was the one responsible. 

Carol called the man, he had proof that he wasn’t even in town that weekend.  So Carol set about trying to figure out who was responsible.  Joey continued to blame the older man and then put a guilt trip on Carol for believing someone besides him.

Mom tightened the ropes on the child’s freedom by not allowing him to drive her car and such.  He worked with his uncle some doing hard labor work and seemed to be getting along much better.  No one seem to catch him binging and purging and he wasn’t allowed any freedom to roam so the situation seemed to be somewhat in better control.

I just got notice that Joey once again slit his wrists and had to have 5 stitches on inside and 9 staples on the outside.  He is now in a  hospital in a different place and has been for the last 24 + hours. 

My question is this:  Why are doctor’s ignoring what Carol is telling them about Joey?  Why aren’t they taking action?  Can’t they see he is having problems?  Did he have to take this drastic measure in order to kept help?

I am interested to see if anyone has any suggestions.

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Today I’d like to look at how to avoid gaining weight during the holiday season while you’re eating. Later I’ll take another look at emotional eating and how to avoid that specifically.

How To Avoid Gaining Weight During the Holidays

> As much as you can, stay with your regular exercise program. The holiday season is incredibly busy, so this might be the time of year you actually need to schedule your workouts. Once you write them down, keep them! This thirty minutes of physical activity is not only good for your waistline, it’s good for your holiday stress level as well!

> Only watch the holiday specials on the television. When A Christmas Story is on, laugh at the “you’ll shoot your eye out with that thing!” line. Watch Charlie Brown’s Christmas special, but don’t just sit in front of the television through the holidays. Take your children out to see the Christmas lights, take walks in through the snow, go skiing; get out, do something! Take your kids outside to throw the frisbee or spend the family time playing touch or flag football! Even gramma can enjoy those activities with you! If you really want to be wild, turn on some fun Christmas music and boogie in your living room. You can even do that one alone! (Actually, I’m sure my friends prefer that I boogie to Christmas music alone.)

> TRY not to overeat. I won’t tell you just not to do it, but you can try. Don’t graze at buffet tables - don’t make your home near them. Get one helping of the things you really want to try, and then walk away. Drink a lot of water and enjoy the company of others rather than the company of all those fattening and sugary treats. Watch your portion sizes and TRY! If there are piles of fruit or vegetables, snack on those instead (but avoid the dips - they often have high amounts of fats and sugars).

> If you choose to drink alcohol, stick to one drink; or drink low-cal drinks. Stay away from the high-sugar cocktails or carbohydrate-filled beers.

mental & emotional health, eating, holiday foods, losing weight, holiday eating tips