Mental & Emotional Health

The following post is a guest post written by Deb Beaulieu.  You can find her on her own blog at Spaqnocaplypse.

Deb Beaulieu received her Bachelor of Arts in English, with a minor in psychology, from Salem (MA) State College in 2001. For the past eight years, Deb has worked as a journalist and editor for various publications in the insurance and healthcare trade press. She lives in the Boston area with her husband and two young children. In April 2009, she launched her first parenting blog—www.spawnocalypse.com—where readers come to laugh, cringe, and relate. Deb is also an avid long-distance runner who completed the Cape Cod Marathon in 2004.

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I’ve worked hard to like myself, to have a positive outlook, to put the brakes on the self-destructive roller coaster I rode for more than half my life. But not everyone in my life has done the same. They may not be abusive or mentally unwell per se, and certainly not evil, but almost every word out of their mouths makes me agitated and sad.

I’m not willing to quit my immediate family, but for more than a decade I’ve kept them at arm’s length and felt better for it. I didn’t realize until I lived away at college—a place where aspirations were applauded rather than resented—how freely I could live. It was also refreshing not to have to get up early and hang the sun for anyone day in and day out.

The main person I’m referring to here is my mother. Though I don’t mean to pick on her, her attitude has had a ripple effect on how I interact with the rest of the family. You see, in the aftermath of my parents’ divorce, I became the literal center of my mom’s world.

Instead of therapy or friends or a hobby, my 40-something mom turned to a nine-year-old to vent her frustrations and pain. The anguish she suffered from my dad’s betrayal was real and not her fault, and I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn’t know our relationship was harmful. (There were a lot of good parts, too. Throughout my adolescence, I was much more open with my mom than my friends felt they could be with theirs.)

But I envied the pressure my friends felt to succeed. While they were studying hard and touring colleges, my mom scoffed at even giving me a ride to take the SATs (which I’d studied for with a tattered guide one of my teachers was going to throw out). “What do you need to take those for?” she sneered. I recognized at age 16 that her plan—subconscious and unintentional, I’m sure (I hope)—was to sabotage my future so I’d stay put and nurture her needs indefinitely.

Until I got married and began raising my own family, I felt a lot of guilt for leaving the roost, even though I knew I was a better person for it. Today, I cringe when I hear my mom lament that my son and daughter—her only grandchildren thus far—are the only happy thing in her life.

So even though my kids adore their grammy, I keep the calls and visits to a minimum. I stay away even longer after a particularly pleasant exchange—so I can enjoy feeling normal for a while.

My solution to dealing with toxic family members is probably not ideal, and somewhat cowardly, but I feel a confrontation would do more harm than good. At least for the foreseeable future, I can accept that this is the way things are.

Do you continue relationships that threaten your emotional well-being? How do you handle the poisonous people in your life?

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For those of you reading this who think that I wrote this under a pseudo name?  I didn’t, but it certainly does parallel my own life in a many ways.  There are a few difference, I have only one child and my torment started at age 4 not 9.  But, this is absolutely what I would like to have written regarding my own family.  Amazing stuff! 

So, I ask you, how so you handle these issues?

Guest Post by:

Jennifer Smith is a nurse who describes herself as a vodka drinking, lap-band having (lost 130 pounds!!), goofy dancing nerd that is blessed in too many ways to list.  You can read more on her blog at http://nursespto.com

I am writing this just to share my thoughts on motherhood after divorce. Being a 34 year old working mother of two has taught me many new ways to achieve balance and ensure my children are happy. Unconditional love is the best definition I can think of to describe being a mommy. Every day my children teach me something new and instill laughter into my life. I have a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. They were 4 and 6 when I divorced. It was very difficult on them but my ex and I worked together to make sure they continued to be the main focus. I have seen so many divorced couples use their own children as pawns in an attempt to hurt their ex-spouses. I did not want to fall into that trap, as it only hurts the babies involved.     

It took about 6 months for my children to adjust, and they are doing well now. Shortly after our divorce. my ex-husband remarried. His wife is wonderful to our children. I now live with my boyfriend and his two boys who are 17 and 14, and I love them dearly. So together with my boyfriend we have 4 kiddos. All 4 kids are involved in some type of extracurricular activity. So between baseball games, band concerts, football games, cheerleading, track meets etc. needless to say, this is a busy house, and I love nothing more. Watching all of them succeed in their endeavors and grow creates such a sense of pride. One of my favorite things is watching that expression on their face when they learn something new.

One thing I’m not going to tell you is that it’s always peaches and cream around here. Four kids, two adults and one dog can create some drama. Just trying to figure out what’s for dinner can be a chore it’s almost like watching a “who’s on first” skit. I try my best to balance out my work schedule to adjust to my mommy schedule and most of the time it works out great. There is nothing in my lifetime that has brought me more joy than being a mom. Just the other day my little girl picked me flowers (they were actually weeds but I still loved them all the same).

Even though all of us in this household have gone through the pain of divorce we are all adjusting well. I have been divorced almost 3 years now, but when there are children involved, there will always have to be shared communication between the exes. This can become stressful at times, but we just do the best we can to make sure those little faces keep on smiling. All the while letting them know how much they are loved.

What did you think of my last post about the case I shared?  What do you think is happening with this child?

I wonder about the mental and emotional well-being of my own children.  They are only 3 and 5 but I am not generally the age of most of their peer’s parents.  Plus, sometimes I don’t think that my husband and I have the patience that we should with the boys.  I’m not sure if our age is going to play a role in a our ability to keep our boys active in the same kinds of things that other children have available to them. 

I went to school with several people who were born to women (parents) of "advanced maternal age" which is what it is called in the medical world.  Their lives were always different.  And usually their lives were different in a not-so-popular way.  Generally speaking these children didn’t get to be involved in as many extra-curricular activities, their parents were more stay-at-home-and-make-fun-for-yourself kind of parents and basically these children were as easy to label as were those of us who were only children or children of divorce.

My husband and I are extremely aware of how it can affect them.  But, when we punish our children, scold them, discipline them, they are extremely emotional.  I wonder if that is the case with children that have younger parents?  I wonder if we take life a little too seriously?  I wonder if my children we be labeled as "the kids with the old parents"?

What do you think? 

Do you remember peers that had older parents?

Was it you that parents that were older than most of your peers?

I am Jerri Ann and as I mentioned in my last post, I’m going to cross-post from my personal blog the information that you might want to know about me as your author.  So, I present to you, the cross post.

Passion - Part One

I’m not passionate about a lot of things. I mean, I’m pretty much a "whatever" kind of gal. Nothing really phases me and I don’t get my mind dead set in one way or another about anything….anything except………….

DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, ANTI-ANXIETY DRUGS

Ok, this is where I draw the line. I don’t have a sense of you could be right about this unless you agree with me. Here are my guidelines. I’ll try to keep it brief. I may need to include my reasoning, but I will do my best to be brief.

1. CHEMICAL IMBALANCES ARE REAL. Period. End.of.Sentence. If you don’t believe in chemical imbalances then you don’t believe in diabetes or thyroid disorders and many others. Those are just 2 that afflict me. I would no more stop taking my medication for depression/anxiety than I would for my diabetes and thyroid problem. Period. End.of.Sentence.

2. MEDICATION CAN RESTORE THAT IMBALANCE. It has been researched, argued and proven time and time again that most cases of depression and anxiety (which are chemical imbalances, remember number one above) can be restored through the use of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. Don’t.Argue.With.Research.

3. THERAPY CAN BE BENEFICIAL. I am not against therapy. The therapy needs to occur with the proper medication and chemical imbalances can NOT be treated with therapy alone.

4. PREGNANCY AND CHILDBIRTH ALTERS HORMONE LEVELS. If you don’t believe this, ask any woman who has ever carried a child. Period.End.of.Sentence. This is being talked about in great detail on the internet these days and if you don’t believe me, just go here, here, here, here, here, here,here, and HERE!

5. LIFE ALTERING EVENTS SUCH AS BIRTH, DEATH, MARRIAGE, DIVORCE, ETC CAN CAUSE A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE. I refuse to back down on this one even though it is probably very much fifth on my list priority-wise.

I was a depressed child. No one knew anything about depression and anxiety way back then. Hey, I’m just 39???

I got wordy. I will save the rest for another post. Just remember and come back for more… please? Although I am passionate about this matter and I will not waiver, I prefer you give me an opportunity to explain myself before you write me off as CRAZY! Yea, I said CRAZY.

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Plenty of people become stressed and depressed in their forties but I wonder how many of them are really having a mid life crisis.

Maybe some people just want out of a marriage and decide they don’t want the responsibility of raising children or get bored of their spouse and job so run away.

Sometimes they run away with someone much younger. It seems mighty convenient that it’s almost expected and accepted that people will go through this crisis because you can always say “Oh that was because I was having a mid-life crisis.”

Does this make running off with someone half your age or abandoning your children ok? Is this something that we are supposed to simply acknowledge will happen and it’s quite alright for people to act like selfish jerks because they’re going through a mid life crisis?

Dr. Richard A. Friedman wrote an interesting article about using a mid life crisis as an excuse for bad behavior.

“The first five years of his marriage were exciting. “It was like we were dating all the time,�? he recalled wistfully. But once they had a child, he felt an unwelcome sense of drudgery and responsibility creep into his life.

Being middle-aged had nothing to do with his predicament; it was just that it took him 49 years to reach a situation where he had to seriously take account of someone else’s needs, namely those of his baby son. In all likelihood, the same thing would have happened if he had become a father at 25.”(Crisis? Maybe He’s a Narcissistic Jerk, Jan.15, 2008)

I do believe people experience a mid life crisis in the sense that they question things and wonder if they should reevaluate their lives and their goals. This doesn’t always have to involve negative changes like affairs and/or drugs though and can in fact lead to positive changes.

I just don’t think it’s too productive for anyone’s relationship to say “Yeah, it’s alright if you take off, buy that motorcycle, go on drugs and trade me in for a young one with no kids. I’ll hold down the fort while you go sort things out. Have fun.”

Prevention

It’s better to catch these things before they happen by communicating and going for counseling together to avoid further harm to a family. It can work both ways and there’s plenty of run away wives as well. Perhaps some of these marriages are beyond repair anyway so someone had to have some sort of crisis to get out of it.

Encouraging the perception that most will have a mid life crisis because it’s the norm is not a good idea in my opinion because it leads many to have a handy excuse for irresponsible behavior.

Instead of simply allowing the mid life crisis to run it’s course, how about treating the depression first by exploring problems with a counselor, therapist and/or your spouse? It seems a more likely method to avoid divorce but it does take two.

Happy Valentines day all. I guess that wasn’t a very romantic post but I did actually have a wonderful dinner with my husband. I wish you all peace and happiness whether you’re single or married.

• Rena Sherwood is glad she’s single because she has apparently discovered that sex causes headaches. Check out Sex, Orgasms and Headaches for more.

Photo courtesy of Trizza Grantham Photography

As you’re reading this, my little white car and I are headed down to Lithia Park in Ashland, Oregon to watch a dear friend marry her dearest friend. I’ve always been an emotional woman when it comes to relationship, but I’ve watched that emotionality skyrocket since my divorce. The first wedding I went to as a single woman, I cried more than the mother of the bride did. (It didn’t help that my ex-husband was the best man, though!) It wasn’t a wedding I could skip (my high school/college best friend’s older brother married my sophomore-year college roommate) and I knew, going into it, that I was going to cry.

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I haven’t done a reeal mid-week me in a while and so I figured that it was time. I’ve tried to be good about keeping you all updated on how my mental health is, but these are just as fun to share with my readers!

So, while future-posting and watching Dancing With the Stars (learning to ballroom dance has made me want to watch this show … I never watched it before this season!) I’ll tell my readers about

The idea here is to write about ten things you have done that you’re pretty sure are unique - that no one else has done - and then you share. Knowing my friends and my faithful readers, I’ll probably get at least one “Hey! I’ve done that, too!” comment! Please do speak up if you have! I’d love to hear that I’m not unique! If you want to do this for your own blog, leave me a comment and I’ll link it within this post, too!

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Today I turn 25. At 1:50pm, 25 years ago, my mom (naturally) gave birth to me. Kinda scary to think about. Anyway, happy birthday to me … I’m officially 1/2-way to fifty.

My parents drove up to take me to dinner (and give me boxes and tape and a present!) and mom asked me at one point if I felt old … and I don’t, but I feel weird. “I’m 25 and divorced.” Neither of my parents had much to say about that … I think it made them uncomfortable, but we moved on shortly thereafter. This morning I woke up early and spent a little while thinking about the things that I’ve done in the past 25 years that have made me incredibly proud; I don’t have much material on my mind for REAL mental and emotional health, but concentrating on my OWN mental and emotional health, I thought I’d list some of the things I’m more proud of from the past 25 years.

~I learned to read at an exceptionally early age. I was barely 4 when I read books aloud to strangers. My dad took me to jobsites with him and I impressed teachers by “reading” to them. They assumed that I was going to make up the stories and then I actually read the book to them. I read all the time still; I love to read.

~I wrote a story that was published when I was in 3rd grade. It was a HORRIBLE story about a horse who had trouble walking. I named the horse Sarah. Psychologically there is probably something strange about that. “Readers dream, dreamers write.” I both dream and write … this is a pretty cool thing to me.

~I joined the Talented and Gifted program in 4th grade. I was a smart kid. I still feel like a smart kid most days. (I stayed in TAG until they disbanded it in 8th grade.)

~I started my own business in the 6th grade, selling and teaching about owl pellets. My friend Brandi and I made good money doing this. We collected the owl pellets from her grandpa’s barn, sold them for a dollar a piece (school science catalogs sold them for $4 a piece) and our elementary school principal drove us to other schools to give presentations and teach younger kids about owls and mice. It’s gross, but we made money and teachers thought we were super-cool.

~In 8th grade, I was the top English student in my “neighborhood.” Our grade was split into two neighborhoods (I was in the gold one, and the other was the blue one) and I got to be the top English student. I got a pretty plaque and my parents were invited to a ceremony and I won an award and all that stuff. I still have the plaque and am STILL proud of this.

~In 10th grade I was accepted into the GAPP (German-American Partnership Program) by my high school German teacher. My family hosted an exchange student (Britta) and then six months later I spent 5 weeks in Germany. I loved this time and learned much about myself. I was 16 (my gosh, this doesn’t feel like it was a DECADE ago!) and had an amazing time!

~I graduated high school. I was in the top 10.15%. I was ONE person off of being in the top 10% of my graduating class and actually felt awful having to sit with the “regular” people. That sounds horribly pretentious, but all my friends were in the first row … and I was way back with the H’s. : ( I survived and I know that it was only a numbers game, but still. I graduated high school!

~I got accepted to the only college I applied to; Oregon State University. Looking back I feel DUMB for only applying to ONE school since I was such a good student in high school (and very, very active!). Who knows where I could have gone if I had decided to be brave and GO somewhere!

~In college I was continually on the Dean’s List and honor roll. I was invited to join honor societies (and I think I joined one … LOL … I can’t really remember) even though I barely passed Chemistry. I got one B in my major (German) in four years and am incredibly proud of such a high college major GPA.

~After my divorce, I have survived and THRIVED. I am a happy, strong, capable woman, and I have learned more about myself in the past 11 months than I had in the previous 11 years. I am incredibly proud of myself for these things.

So, yeah, I’ve done plenty of things to be proud of in the past 25 years. I have no regrets and wouldn’t change a thing … otherwise I wouldn’t be who I am. As a birthday present to me; leave me a comment and tell me why you’re proud of yourself!

mental and emotional health, birthdays, getting older, pride, reading, learning to read, writing, getting published, TAG, talented and gifted program, starting your own business, entrepeneur, owl pellets, dissection, English, awards, GAPP, German-American Partnership Program, Germany, exchange students, high school, graduation, top 10%, college acceptance, Oregon State University, Dean’s List, honor roll, German, divorce, thriving, regrets

After my own traumatic divorce, I never thought that I’d be excited about someone else getting married. I was bitter … I was angry … and I remember telling strangers (a bachelor at a strip club) “don’t do it!” over and over. Today I got the news that one of my best friends is engaged. The first time I met MissNPea was when we were both planning our weddings. She was to marry Mr.R. and I was to marry the X. MissNPea’s wedding fell through with Mr.R. decided that he wasn’t mature enough to get married (and he was damned right) but she and I remained close through my wedding planning, marriage and then divorce.

MissNPea called me from LasVegas today to tell me that she and Mr.Cee are engaged!!!! I had a feeling this was coming and so I was THRILLED to hear that it finally happened, and then, surprisingly enough, I was just as excited to hear that they’re going to be married while still in Vegas! I told MissNPea multiple times that if she got married in LasVegas I’d be upset and eat her leg, but today when she told me, all I could do was beam with joy. Mr.Cee is a wonderful man and I’m so very happy that she found him. While I am sad that they are getting married in LasVegas because I can’t see it, I’m ecstatic that life is falling into perfect place for my girl. This just means that eventually it will happen for me. : )

I am so thankful to have her in my life and she has been so incredibly supportive through my many emotional bouts and my not-so-emotional bouts as well. I am blessed to have this amazing woman in my life. MissNPea, I love you and cannot wait to hug your face and congratulate your married self in person!

So, yay for weddings, and then there has been good news on my side of the world as well.
1. I have remembered to take my meds two days in a row. (I had forgotten for two days in a row before this though.) I need to remember to do a rewards system for myself.

2. MissPea and I are going our seperate ways in life and moving in to our own apartments. I am nervous about this because I’ve never lived alone before, but I’m excited to try it out and see how I function. I’ve had quite a few friends offer their extra kitchen stuff (stuff I’m short on since the divorce) and I’m so thankful for them.

3. I had a great job interview today that I have a good feeling about. It’d be within a dance studio near where I live (now) and it would be full-time. SonE and I got along marvelously and she and I even went to lunch together after the official interview. I would LOVE to work in a dance studio and think that it’d be a perfect fit for me. While we were lunching, she told me; “we’re going to work great together” and then gave me the biggest grin with eye contact, so I have a hard time not believing her.

4. I then went to a open casting for a new sports bra line. The first part of it went really well, although they put me in a horribly itchy test bra first and then when I met the designer, he told me “you have a really nice set of breasts for such a small frame” and I almost burst out laughing right there. Then he told me that I was too thin to do fit testing for his new line so I didn’t make the cut. That’s okay, because apparently I have a nice set of breasts.

mental and emotional health, weddings, marriage, engagement, best friends, divorce, emotions, medicine compliance, moving out, living alone, roommates, job interviews, dance studio, sports bras, breasts

I never have a problem answering meme or survey questions that say; “what’s your favorite band of all time?�? … the answer is always, and may always be, Fleetwood Mac. Today while looking for something I stumbled across a performance of “Go Your Own Way,�? and since it’s my favorite song of theirs I had to stop and both listen to and watch it. This song makes me feel wonderful listening to it, and I don’t quite know why. I laugh at myself for knowing that the man’s name is Lindsey and the woman’s name is Stevie … and how silly I thought that was while I was growing up.

Anyway, the song made me think about people going their own (and often separate) ways. Sometimes that journey is a surprise and sometimes it’s absolutely planned out. Sometimes you don’t even realize that it’s happened until you’re miles away (literally or figuratively) from the other person. It can be a good thing and it can be a bad thing, ultimately I think these kinds of travels are what you make of them.

Lately I’ve noticed myself on paths quite different than those of my peers, and even my closest friends. We have all gone our own way, and some of us have purposefully steered our ways back towards one another. Some of us are allowing the paths to take us in different directions with no anxiety about that. Then there are those of us who are still refusing to admit that we’ve walked far from one another and don’t actually have plans to turn around and come back.

What happens when you’re the person who wants to stay on the same path and have realized that you’re being left alone, or that your separate path is so incredibly different that it just won’t work? Do you want my advice (oh, I’m so sure that you do!) You’ll just have to move on in order to help yourself out. Why bother sitting and stewing on a relationship that has changed too much to “repair�? (or to go back to “normal�?)? Honestly, I don’t believe that you should push anyone to fix something that they this is overly broken. When my husband left me, I heard “why don’t you just go to counseling?�? more than a half-dozen times. Each time I repeated myself with “he doesn’t want to fix it, and I refuse to force him to try.�? They didn’t understand that I would rather deal with a broken relationship than have someone resent me for “forcing�? them to try and repair it. If the other person isn’t willing to walk your path with you, and they won’t budge on that (and you don’t want to walk their path, you may be headed on a solo journey. It may seem scary at first, but honestly, it’s one of the most liberating and exciting things I’ve ever done. I have this feeling I’m coming upon another chance to take a solo journey and I’m already excited (albeit anxious as well) about it.

mental and emotional health, Fleetwood Mac, Lindsey Buckingham, Stevie Nicks, Go Your Own Way, separation, anxiety, change

I found out last week that the ex is in a serious relationship … and it hurt. I’m still hurting from it. He didn’t want to be with me through medical school because I’m “not worth taking care of.” Yeah; not very nice … I know. I’m glad that we’re not together, and I’m better off and happier not being married to him, but it hurts to know that he’s found someone “worth” taking care of. It hurts a lot more than I thought it was going to and I don’t like it. I don’t know why it hit me so hard today, but I definitely feel like retreating for a long while to nurse some very old wounds.

I really thought I was stronger than this. I really thought I was getting better.
Two steps forward, three steps back … what a cycle.

mental and emotional health, depression, divorce, dating after divorce, emotional hurt, medical school, cycling

When you are through changing, you are through. ~Bruce Barton

For most people, change brings about a high level of stress, uncertainty and even turmoil. For me, change brings freshness, difference, and excitement; except when it comes to things that have always been one way changing. On Friday I drove into Corvallis, Oregon; my old college-days stomping grounds, and I was surprised to see the bridge on the way out of town covered in white plastic and black tubing and surrounded by construction equipment. I don’t rubber-neck at accidents (and get quite annoyed at those who do) but I rubber-necked at the bridge. What are they doing to my bridge? That’s the best way out of town! It’s off the main drag in town! What are they doing to it? I was seriously concerned at this change.

As I was early for meeting with my friends I drove over to Borders to do some reading and some reminiscing. The Corvallis Borders is perfect for reminiscing as I spent quite a bit of time during college here. I lived (literally) across the street and although I refused to look at it (maybe for fear that it had changed?) the four-plex I spent two years of my life living in, is visible. I think part of the reason I refused to look at it, (or drive by it, even though it’s faster & I miss traffic) is that I lived there while I was married. It was the first apartment the Ex and I lived in without other roommates. It was the apartment he proposed to me in. It was the first apartment we lived in while we were married. That four-plex holds so many memories for me, and since I’m actually in Corvallis to avoid some memories, I probably subconsciously refused to look at it.

Tomorrow is the Ex’s birthday. For the first time in ten years we are not spending it together. For the first time in a decade, I did not buy him a birthday card or a birthday present and I won’t make him a birthday dinner. I am happy to be divorced. I am happy to be single. I am happy that I’m on my own and am learning who I am, but it’s weird to have this sort of change in my life. I’m sure my birthday (in just a few weeks) will be even stranger for me. I will turn 25. I will be a quarter-of-a-century old. I will be celebrating my first single birthday since I turned 14. It’s weird. It’s absolutely strange to think about that, but also very empowering and evocative as well.

I am going to start my own tradition this year, I haven’t decided what that tradition will be, but I am going to set things up in my head to actually celebrate my birthday. I will spend the day doing what I want and even if I can’t spend money, spoiling myself. I am going to look at free things to do in the city and see if I can’t get some friends to go hang out with me (even though my birthday is on a Tuesday night!) to celebrate. Something good will be coming for me in my 25th year. I am anticipating the change and looking forward to the excitement and newness that I will experience.

What kind of tradition do you think I should start?

mental and emotional health, change, divorce, stress, birthday, traditions, newness

For the first time in months, I cried myself to sleep last night. I don’t know what was up with me, but I had to do it. I felt like, as Lump’s mom Wench put it; my “pot was low” and I just didn’t feel right. After my decent beginning of the week, it was sad to have a Wednesday like that. I skipped the last 40 minutes of LOST, which I’ve never done before, got into bed, didn’t even read, but I put on sad music and just bawled. It felt good and I fell asleep pretty quickly, but it was not so nice, really.

I think, that next week by this time, I will be unemployed. Long story short, my boss and I don’t get along and although I work my @$$ off and do my job well, she hasn’t treated me well since my divorce, and has been going through the proceedings to get me fired. Since I am a union member there are protocols she has to go through, and from talking to those around me, she has begun the proceedings. *shrug* I’m scared, but being proactive and have applied for other jobs around me. I have to. I can’t just sit on my @$$ and let life pass me by. I am going to handle things just like I always do.

I wrote a kick-ass email to a potential nanny employer this morning and am hoping to hear back from them. I also applied to about a dozen jobs at another hospital in town. We’ll see what happens. If all else fails I’ll ask my parents for support … because I don’t know what else to do.

So, yeah. I have tomorrow off, am going to spend some time applying for more jobs and I may go down to see my mom just to get away. We’ll see … the idea of driving back through traffic on a Friday night (because I am going to a show with Pen (whose name is being changed to Mr.E)) doesn’t sound too appealing. We’ll see. Either way I have to wash some pants … clean pants aren’t overrated like most people think.

Time for more job searching - wish me luck!

crying, emotion, employment, unemployment, nannying, quitting jobs, mental and emotional health

Lately I’ve been feeling quite emotionally insecure. I don’t know how I feel … I don’t know how I really want to feel … I don’t know if I’m supposed to be feeling something in particular … or what. I am confused. There is basically one feeling lately that I’ve been craving - emotional security. I had (what I thought) an intense sense of emotional security while I was married but after being divorced I’ve realized that my security was false. I was secure in what we had, but it wasn’t the security I really desired.

I want to feel “safe,” where ever I am; work, home, school, in my car, in a bar, where ever! I want to be accepted without judgment and criticism, communicate honestly, be my absolute true self, and feel safe all while doing it. I am going to refuse to trade any comforts for emotional safety anymore though … I did it once before and won’t be doing it again.

I feel safe when I’m around people who are emotionally available, honest, trustworthy and authentic … if they are their real self around me with confidence, I feel safe being who I am around them. I want to be around people who know and like who they are - that makes me feel safe. I want to be friends with people who have emotional integrity … they make me feel safe.

I feel safe being in friendships that I believe are going somewhere … something that will “work out” or be solid. I want to develop friendships that are strong and always growing. I want to be able to spend “dumb time” with people … helping them clean up their house, grocery shopping with them (even though I actually hate grocery shopping!), and I want to “waste” time with my friends. I don’t want to commit to anyone (friend or date) that I fear won’t “work out.” I must have an emotionally connected/matched friend. I don’t want to fear being alone, but I don’t want to be around people who are going to eventually move on without me.

Within the dating realm, I worry about this situation. If I don’t make a real effort to bring a guy close to me, I could end up fearful of or uncomfortable with being alone (which is something that I’m working towards getting over). If I work to keep a guy close, am I acting out of fear of losing him and being controlling? It’s a rock & a hard place!

In my mind, love is only achieved and thrives when there is no fear in a relationship.

emotional security, love, fear, relationships, friends, safety, personal, mental and emotional health

Today was a bittersweet day, but it was more sweet than bitter. I called the courthouse to get an official divorce finality date and Happy Valentine’s Day it’s also my finalized divorce date. *snort*

Ex and I never celebrated Valentine’s Day with very much fanfare, and now I’m even more thankful for that. If you love someone, you need to tell them that every day of the year, not just on the 14th on February! It’s not as though you love one another more on that one day of the year, and he and I actually had a joke where we’d say that we loved one another more the day before Valentine’s Day. This year I had a marvelous Valentine’s Day with a bottle of wine, Thai take-out, LOST and my beautiful roommate Lump. Her mom sent us Valentine’s gifts, some of my work friends bought me a beautiful dragonfly pin and I truly felt loved by my girlfriends. That is how women need to spend Valentine’s Day.

So, my divorce is final. I have been legally & officially divorced for a week. I’m not saddened by this fact, I feel kinda detached and numb from it. I think I just hurt for so long about it that I’ve shut it off. Scuba Steve wants me to address the fact that I’ve pushed my anger waaaay deep down. I may write my letter here under password protected and get it out, but it’s been hard to even acknowledge the fact that I am angry about it still. I really feel like anger is a true waste of time emotionally and mentally, and while I haven’t told Scuba Steve that, I have been holding off being angry because it’s just wasteful. We’ll see what happens. Maybe before next Wednesday I’ll let it out - even if no one sees it maybe it’ll still come out.

divorce, Valentine’s Day, legal, anger, therapy, writing