Well, instead of getting a news day, you’re getting a “news-day” about me. I really feel like I haven’t addressed my own mental health in a while and I think it’s time again.
1. Today is day 3 off my Prozac. I moved on Saturday and haven’t found a new pharmacy to have my medication refilled. I am really surprised that I haven’t started having weird cut-off symptoms.
2. However, I am depressed. I feel a crying jag coming on and have been distracting myself with podcasts, happy music, and reading books. I am pulling away from people again and I see myself doing it.
3. My old psychiatrist (ScubaSteve) has called me twice in the past two weeks wanting to check in. I should call him back, but what am I going to tell him? I know I’ll just lie to him and tell him that I’m fine, I’ve got a great new job, live by myself now and am doing great, but I don’t even have the energy to lie over the telephone to anyone now.
4. I had a dating revelation the other night and it has been sitting weird in my stomach (not my brain or my heart, mind you) since then. I actually made myself sick to my stomach (and threw up) over-thinking things. I don’t really know what to do about this and I don’t even know that I really care.
5. Sadly, I don’t care about a lot of things right now. I get up, I go to work (I actually DO enjoy my job, though) and then I either come home, go on a date or meet up with a friend. I don’t really care though. I could do anything at this point and not really care. This apathy, it doesn’t bother me. I am apathetic about my apathy.
6. Not only am I becoming strangely apathetic about things, I am also overly-anxious about things as well. You would think that this wouldn’t match up well, but I can not care about some things (hanging all those pictures stacked against the wall over there), and still be overly-anxious about other things (running at 110% while at work to impress my bosses). I wish I could be overly-anxious about my apathy.
7. I am enjoying living alone … because no one can make me feel guilty for watching shit TV, for dancing along with So You Think You Can Dance or for wandering the house naked; but I miss having someone to talk to. Music (or a podcast) has been playing essentially since I moved into my new place.
8. I have to actually convince myself to go out and do things lately … I am going to see MrsTee this weekend for her wedding reception & house-warming party. I am going. I am not letting myself not go. But I know that an hour before I’m supposed to leave I am going to think up any and every excuse in the book to talk myself out of going. I hate that about my depression.
9. My dating revelation makes me want to give up on dating. This attitude is spreading from just dating to everything else already … it’s been THREE DAYS. This makes me want to shout the eff-word as loud as I can over and over again.
10. My mask is back on. I am pretending, for those who are around me and don’t know me well, that everything is hunky-dory and I’m doing great. I’ve learned to do this so well I am believing in my own lie and ignoring the signs that there is a problem. I know what I need to do to fix this, but time and time again, in my head, I am saying; “I don’t know what to do.”
So yeah, I’m not doing so well, but everything’s fine.
mental and emotional health, personal, apathy, dating, depression, anxiety, medication compliance, lies