Mental & Emotional Health

Well, here we are, 5 whole months gone by since I broke a bone in my ankle.  Five excruciatingly long months…later…and I am in a cast still.  I can’t really say how I “feel” about it because doggone it, my mom threatened me with the idea that my grammy might come visit me.  My house is a wreck.  My grammy?  A clean freak…

My mom told me yesterday that my aunt said she might bring my Grammy to my house.  And, panic set in.  My house is a pig sty.  A complete house of filth.  Wayne doesn’t help with the cleaning too much even when I am able to do some of it, but now that I have been in a cast for 1/2 of 2009 – ok, not half but it will be by the time I get rid of this stupid cast.

So, if Grammy shows up and I quit showing up here…look for me somewhere dead of embarrassment and just plain getting a beating from my grammy.  All 95 pounds of her will surely beat me silly.

Mom said that she hoped I knew that if my Grammy comes to see me, she will worry herself silly over my grass that is waist high.  No, kidding, it is as usual, waist high to a giraffe.  My husband not your lawn mowing freak that I would like him to be.  He just drives me batty instead of driving a tractor.

So, be on the look out for me, If I disappear….call Grammy…

I am going to be as vague as possible here.  This is a little too close to home for comfort but honestly, I haven’t laughed this hard in some time.  And laughter, oh laughter is so good for the soul.

This little boy, 6 years old, has discovered his penis.  He plays with it constantly.  All day long he has his hands in his underwear.  Now, I would be concerned but this is just a new development.  He has pneumonia and has been sick for several days, no playing outside, no running and ripping and sitting still for at least 15 minutes 3 times a day for breathing treatments. 

So today, his grandmother threatened to chop of hiss hands if he didn’t quit.  She sent him to wash his hands numerous times when she caught him.  Yes, he is sick and lounging in his underwear. 

The funny thing is the text message between the kids mom and dad.  Mom tells dad he has to talk to the kid about this because it is going to be a big deal sooner than later.  Dad says give him some lexapro and it won’t ever happen again.  Mom and dad get a hefty laugh at the kids (and the dad’s) expense.

When it was bedtime, mom asked dad had he spoken with the child.  Dad says no but he hadn’t witnessed it.  Mom explained that the kid does it the whole time he is getting treatments.  And, the laughter commences.  The kids figure out they are talking in code and start asking questions.  Mom and dad are still laughing hysterically when mom says, “so when he is 13 an he grabs the breathing machine and announces that he is going to his bedroom because he needs a breathing treatment, do not be alarmed”

Laughter commenced, fun times yes, indeed, fun times.

Most of you know and read my other blogs so you know that my mom and I are very toxic when together.  My husband and mother are never in the same place at the same time if they can help it.  That said, I am married to one of the best men on the planet.  But, because he doesn’t do what my mom wants him to do on her time demands (or mine for that matter), she is very difficult when it comes to him. 

And, before my kids were born, she was adamant that I let my husband discipline our kids and that I not step-in and baby the kids.  But now, she doesn’t like the way my husband handles the kids.  My husband doesn’t like the way my mother handles them and neither of them like the way I handle the kids.

What about me?  I think that my kids are going to need some counseling when the three of us are finished with them.  My parents did a number on me.  Honestly, they fought, they disagreed and they basically acted as if they hated one another.  They divorced when I was 4.

I see my counselor and I know that I have to do what I have to do for myself.  But the fact remains, I don’t want my kids to have these issues.  How difficult could it be to be good to your kids and do the right thing and expect the others who are suppose to love them to do the same?

The following post is a guest post written by Deb Beaulieu.  You can find her on her own blog at Spaqnocaplypse.

Deb Beaulieu received her Bachelor of Arts in English, with a minor in psychology, from Salem (MA) State College in 2001. For the past eight years, Deb has worked as a journalist and editor for various publications in the insurance and healthcare trade press. She lives in the Boston area with her husband and two young children. In April 2009, she launched her first parenting blog—www.spawnocalypse.com—where readers come to laugh, cringe, and relate. Deb is also an avid long-distance runner who completed the Cape Cod Marathon in 2004.

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I’ve worked hard to like myself, to have a positive outlook, to put the brakes on the self-destructive roller coaster I rode for more than half my life. But not everyone in my life has done the same. They may not be abusive or mentally unwell per se, and certainly not evil, but almost every word out of their mouths makes me agitated and sad.

I’m not willing to quit my immediate family, but for more than a decade I’ve kept them at arm’s length and felt better for it. I didn’t realize until I lived away at college—a place where aspirations were applauded rather than resented—how freely I could live. It was also refreshing not to have to get up early and hang the sun for anyone day in and day out.

The main person I’m referring to here is my mother. Though I don’t mean to pick on her, her attitude has had a ripple effect on how I interact with the rest of the family. You see, in the aftermath of my parents’ divorce, I became the literal center of my mom’s world.

Instead of therapy or friends or a hobby, my 40-something mom turned to a nine-year-old to vent her frustrations and pain. The anguish she suffered from my dad’s betrayal was real and not her fault, and I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn’t know our relationship was harmful. (There were a lot of good parts, too. Throughout my adolescence, I was much more open with my mom than my friends felt they could be with theirs.)

But I envied the pressure my friends felt to succeed. While they were studying hard and touring colleges, my mom scoffed at even giving me a ride to take the SATs (which I’d studied for with a tattered guide one of my teachers was going to throw out). “What do you need to take those for?” she sneered. I recognized at age 16 that her plan—subconscious and unintentional, I’m sure (I hope)—was to sabotage my future so I’d stay put and nurture her needs indefinitely.

Until I got married and began raising my own family, I felt a lot of guilt for leaving the roost, even though I knew I was a better person for it. Today, I cringe when I hear my mom lament that my son and daughter—her only grandchildren thus far—are the only happy thing in her life.

So even though my kids adore their grammy, I keep the calls and visits to a minimum. I stay away even longer after a particularly pleasant exchange—so I can enjoy feeling normal for a while.

My solution to dealing with toxic family members is probably not ideal, and somewhat cowardly, but I feel a confrontation would do more harm than good. At least for the foreseeable future, I can accept that this is the way things are.

Do you continue relationships that threaten your emotional well-being? How do you handle the poisonous people in your life?

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For those of you reading this who think that I wrote this under a pseudo name?  I didn’t, but it certainly does parallel my own life in a many ways.  There are a few difference, I have only one child and my torment started at age 4 not 9.  But, this is absolutely what I would like to have written regarding my own family.  Amazing stuff! 

So, I ask you, how so you handle these issues?

I don’t normally just get up pissed.  I just wrote about this the other day and honestly, most of the time, life is good when I wake up.  But, for some reason today, today was just not one of those days.

My body is screwed up.  My sleep is screwed up.  My foot still requires pain medication and that then messes with my sleep.  So, I am awake at hours like these, midnight at my house, and honestly, it is making me nuts just trying to get my self in gear.

I know it seems easy to many people, but with my foot in this predicament for the last 5 months plus, I think it is quite alright that I am not in the happiest of moods.  But, I do my best.  I hate that I require help from anyone at this point. 

Having people wait on me, watch my kids and in the way of doing this, this person is also discipling our children and honestly, they are wild.  It’s much like it was when we were potty training, everyone thinks they can do it but the fact is, until my kid was ready to use the potty, no one was going to force him to do anything.

And, in reality, that’s how it is now.  There are 3 adults making the attempt, one won’t speak up with the others are around because he/she is afraid of making one of the others mad.  And, honestly, it’s starting to get on my  nerves more and more everyday.

How long until I am without this cast and I can not only take care of my own children but I can implement discipline?  I don’t know but right now, all I can do is let folks do what they do.  The kids know when they are in trouble and they know that running from me is going to make matters worse.  But, they also know that I can’t run after them so they simply do what comes naturally.

Words were exchanged today, “I can make them mind but it makes you mad” which was followed with a retort of “I can make them mind too but then you cuddle and pet them”.  This all came about as a spanking, yes we use corporal punishment, but I vowed that it would be done in the right way, as a discipline, not because the adult was angry.

However, someone was disciplining my child out of anger a couple of weeks ago and I spoke up.  And, with that, a battle ensued and it’s been hell on wheels around here ever since.

Anyone wanna advice me this time?

Honestly, even people who profess to ‘not wanting children” usually enjoy the company of a child every now and again.  And, for those of us who have known for ever that we wanted kids, we get completely beside ourselves with youngsters, babies and toddlers.  Normally it’s those teenage years that send people into stir, or in my opinion thus far, I am more afraid of little teenagers growing in my house.  No, I know, they are only 4 and 6 but the eye rolling, the humpf, the stomping of feet, the pouting…all right now being met with the hand of disciplinarian and others just being met with the words of someone a bit too be verbose.

What’s the best way to handle things?  That’s all completely debatable and honestly, even with our own home, discipline of youngsters is somewhat hard to agree upon.  But the most important part to me is to nurture there hopes and desires, teach them to understand right from wrong and the realization that each and every action has a reaction or coincidence.

In my opinion, the emotional health of our children is most important.  Without even thinking twice about it, with my own messed up childhood, I most definitely want my own children to know that my love is unconditional and that their emotional well-being is as important to me as anything.  And, I hope and pray every day that we get these guys through the rough spots without too much trauma.

Guest Post by:

Jennifer Smith is a nurse who describes herself as a vodka drinking, lap-band having (lost 130 pounds!!), goofy dancing nerd that is blessed in too many ways to list.  You can read more on her blog at http://nursespto.com

I am writing this just to share my thoughts on motherhood after divorce. Being a 34 year old working mother of two has taught me many new ways to achieve balance and ensure my children are happy. Unconditional love is the best definition I can think of to describe being a mommy. Every day my children teach me something new and instill laughter into my life. I have a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. They were 4 and 6 when I divorced. It was very difficult on them but my ex and I worked together to make sure they continued to be the main focus. I have seen so many divorced couples use their own children as pawns in an attempt to hurt their ex-spouses. I did not want to fall into that trap, as it only hurts the babies involved.     

It took about 6 months for my children to adjust, and they are doing well now. Shortly after our divorce. my ex-husband remarried. His wife is wonderful to our children. I now live with my boyfriend and his two boys who are 17 and 14, and I love them dearly. So together with my boyfriend we have 4 kiddos. All 4 kids are involved in some type of extracurricular activity. So between baseball games, band concerts, football games, cheerleading, track meets etc. needless to say, this is a busy house, and I love nothing more. Watching all of them succeed in their endeavors and grow creates such a sense of pride. One of my favorite things is watching that expression on their face when they learn something new.

One thing I’m not going to tell you is that it’s always peaches and cream around here. Four kids, two adults and one dog can create some drama. Just trying to figure out what’s for dinner can be a chore it’s almost like watching a “who’s on first” skit. I try my best to balance out my work schedule to adjust to my mommy schedule and most of the time it works out great. There is nothing in my lifetime that has brought me more joy than being a mom. Just the other day my little girl picked me flowers (they were actually weeds but I still loved them all the same).

Even though all of us in this household have gone through the pain of divorce we are all adjusting well. I have been divorced almost 3 years now, but when there are children involved, there will always have to be shared communication between the exes. This can become stressful at times, but we just do the best we can to make sure those little faces keep on smiling. All the while letting them know how much they are loved.

Ok, so back to my story.  This post was written with nothing but genuine feelings.  I had no idea the post would ever make it back into his hands.  He never said anything to me tonight other than the normal baseball stuff but you could tell a couple of times he started to and then maybe it just didn’t feel right.

So, the moral of this story is this, I wrote something genuine and honest and from my heart.  And, it felt good.  I had forgot about it, I didn’t do it to seek attention.  But the character in the post was able to read the post and he then was able to feel good about the good things he does for our baseball team. Sure he has 2 grandsons on the team, but as I said in my original post, you can’t fake that kind of enthusiasm, that kind of love for kids and that kind of love for baseball (or any game). 

So, I am topping this off by tell you that there is even a more greater reason for me to feel the way I do.  You see, this man’s son helps coach and obviously one of the kids on the team belongs to him.  And, honesty, right now, the 2 best kids on the team belong to POP POP.  But, they (coaches) never ever make a big deal about it.  The teach those children team team team.

Well then, why am I writing more.  Need I say more?  I mean, obviously you already see that these are good people.  But I have a couple of conversations I would love to share with you:

Mom picked the boys up from school and they were headed home.  She reminded them that they had a baseball game and told them it was against Team X. 

Walker:  OH, no, we will never beat Team X

Nanny”  Well this isn’t the same Team X as before, that other team was Team X1

Walker:  it don’t matter, can’t beat them

Jace:  oh yes we can, I am going to get up there and whop that all way out to the fence

Walker:  Jace, don’t you remember this team, we cannot beat them

Nanny:  It is a different team, than before

Walker:  Well……….long pause………well I am just telling you, we can’t beat Team X but Joe might can

*Joe is not the kids real name but he is the coaches kid. 

So, when we get to the field, I relay the story to the kid’s father and do you know what the man said?

Come on, guess?

He said, paraphrasing here”thanks but I don’t like for these kids to feel that way, this is a team gamed, Joe is just one of the team and they are all important”

Now, need I tell you anymore….?

I’ve talked quite a bit about how emotional down I’ve been over this foot.  It seems to have taken over our entire life.  Every thing we do, everywhere we go, everything that we go at, we have to have someone to take care of me.  You know, it’s bad enough when you have 10 kids and you need a nanny or someone to help with the kids.  But, I don’t have 10 kids I only have 2 so my husband and I should easily be able to handle the little guys. 

So, we do have some extra help with my mom helping with the kids and the more I have to be away from them, the more I miss them, the more the mommy guilt (we’ll save that for tomorrow) starts to set in.  So, you have to take what you have sometimes and simply make the best out of it.  And, if you want to know the truth, even finding out that I have mono again, for the second time in one year…not even that can take away the joy when I see this little beauty..

That’s right, my kindergartener, my 6 year old who gave me this signal last fall on the first day of school…

So, he’s been pretty right on too.  He had some issues at first because he didn’t like the fact that Jace was spending time with their Nanny and he was missing out but for the most part, he has rarely complained.  He has yet to bring home anything but 100 on his spelling tests and always has his math done before he gets home.  He’s a cutie, I know you can see that for yourself, but he’s quite a polite and smart little boy too.

So, when you get to feeling down in the dumps, go find yourself a folder on your computer with old photos in it.  Go, find a set that will make you laugh.  Enable yourself to be healthier all over.

I’ve been really sick for the last 2 weeks.  The two weeks prior to that I was confined to a chair or on crutches because this broken bone in my ankle which was nearing 3 months old was put in a cast that meant I couldn’t walk on it at all.  Emotionally I was spent.  The sheer idea of thinking I was going to be confined to one spot for a few weeks was terribly straining on my emotions. 

Then, just as I get my walking cast back on, although I’m still not suppose to be walking on it, my mom comes home and I just know things are going to look up from there.  Instead I came down with what I thought was yet another sinus infection.  I went to the doctor.  I got shots. I got medication.  I got….sicker.  So, I went back to the doctor and I got xrays this time, more shots, more medication and I was sporting a nifty little yeast infection by this point.

And, then, then the final words came down….you have mono again.  He told me that 2 weeks ago that he felt sure I had mono but confirmed it on this visit.  Hindsight, yea, I remember the pain under my ribs where my spleen was enlarged just like last summer when I was sick.  I remember the exhaustion, the sheer exhaustion. 

And, when all of that hits you at once, it’s easy to lose your ability to just get up and get moving.  It’s hard.  It’s really hard to look at your life and say, push yourself one step further.  But, I’m going to show something that makes it all worth it.  The little guy in the following picture, he cures all that ills me.

He’s 4.5 and I know he doesn’t really look four, he is.  He is cute as a doggone button too eh?

Join me and Consumer Queen tonight on Blog Talk Radio for a friendly chat about the Mental and Emotional Health of Children!

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My son has reached an all-time agitation level when it comes to potty training.  Yes, I know, he is 4.  And, yes I know, he should be trained already.  But, we have seen a doctor and some problems have been identified.  So, we are going to therapy with him and working some of this out.  In the meantime, I may pull my hair out.

First of all, yea, all this money on pull-ups, about $40 a month.  That would pay…..well it would at least buy some extra groceries, right?  We still have to buy night time pull ups even for my 6 year old but I long to quit buying the daytime ones and I long even more to quit changing poopy pull-ups.

Right now he has reached an all-time aggravating high with not telling us he is poopy until he has a burned bum.  Then, getting him in the tub is awful.  I mean, you can imagine I’m sure.  I’m ready to send him to potty training boot camp.  No, not really, I know there are some problems and I”m going to be more patient about it.  Maybe since I wrote it down I can do better at accomplishing it.

But, watching him walk around with his legs spread wide because of the poop burns, that breaks my heart…..

My four year old still isn’t potty trained.  Why is that you ask?  How is that you ask?  What kind of parents are we?  Well, please, don’t torture me any more than necessary because honestly the whole issues is getting under my skin.

The deal is, he does have some type of sensory disorder.  And we are going to therapy to help with some ODD and anxiety issues as well as the potty training problems.

Te biggest issue that present moment is that he won’t tell us when he is poopy and the acid is eating his bottom up.  You would think that after having that happen once or twice, he would be begging to get it off, but nope, he doesn’t mind.

So, that’s where we are with the mental health issue as it refers to my son.  Any and all advice is welcome but you must first read through all my blog posts on this topic on all my blogs before try giving me more information on how to potty train him.

Go, start now you should be finished reading the potty training posts in about 2011.

I know that seems a bit overly dramatic but we did make it to see the child psychiatrist today.  One of the issues that she felt is a problem is anxiety.  Sound familiar?  I mean, you know, his mommy has some serious issues with anxiety. 

And yes, there were other issues out there that we discussed.  Words like sensory disorders and ODD or oppositional defiance disorder.  I am really buying the ODD part and we know that one of the issues with this perfect little man is that he is stubborn.  Poor guy, he came by that honestly.  So, if we are keeping score here, he is anxious because of his mommy and he suffers from being stubborn because of me and heck, I can even make a case for the sensory disorder being my problem. 

However, that would mean he had none of his father’s genes, and by darn, his dad is taking responsibility for something……so we are going to stick the ODD on him.  Stubborn is one thing, ODD is completely different.  Blame that one on dad (as if we need to blame anyone, but whatever).

So, we saw the doctor at 8 AM, the therapist had an opening at 11 and we went to Target and bought 2 slinkies and then went back for therapy.  He did fine.  Both times they told him that “mom needs to go to the bathroom, can you stay with me?” and both times, he said no and grabbed onto my leg for dear life. 

The doctor actually just stood up, ushered me out and he stayed with her as if nothing was any different than ever.  She did have me leave my jacket and phone and water.  The therapist was a bit sneakier, she simply got in the floor, broke out the play-doh and it was on then.  She is a certified play therapist. 

I’m not sure if that is anything like a physical education teacher, or a physical therapist, or somewhere in between.  Either way, I liked her, this is the same doctor we saw with my oldest son when he seemed to be speech delayed and if you read any of my other blogs, you know that the child talks so much that he earned a sit in the back of his kindergarten classroom on the 6th day of school. 

So, yea, he caught up.  But, this doctor was thorough.  And, in reality, with him the counseling was more a change in behavior and therapy for my me and my husband.  So, we will see how it all pans out…..

Stay tuned…and in the meantime….is he not the cutest little kid you’ve ever seen?

Ok, so in case you are wondering how it is I have made my mom so angry at me, I’m going to share with you a story.  You see, my son talks until he is delirious.  We were very happy when he got a kindergarten teacher who totally understood and had no qualms about dealing with him.  And, add to that the fact that I was one of the vigilante parents and punished my kid every time he got in trouble at school, and wow, we were having a good start to kindergarten.

Yes, his teacher had to move him to another seat so that she could conduct class but, we all deemed that to be ok.  And, things seem to be working out well for him.  Now, I don’t know about the other kids but basically, I volunteered my time a lot and it was never accepted.  I bought supplies, I donated and those things were accepted and I was thanked.  But, when I asked if my help was needed in the room for anything, I was told no.

So, when the discipline/reward system changed a few weeks ago, I tried to keep my mouth shut.  But, I’m not very good at that…and well, I’m going to let you read that over here, I’m not going re-hash it here.  But, the fact is, I’ve probably pissed some folks off.

And, all I have to say is that my traveling and my mom’s leaving town may have disrupted my children’s lives.  They may require therapy for it years from now, but so help me, if someone at that school is disrespectful to my child, therein being disrespectful to me, SOMEBODY’S head is gonna roll. 

Are we all on the same page?