Mental & Emotional Health

I have been reading about zen lately and working on letting go of negative things such as blame, judgments, cravings and rushing around.

It’s common for people to multi task and it’s often encouraged and even admired to be so busy that you don’t have time to stop for even a minute. Sometimes we work to escape so we don’t have time to stop and be alone with our thoughts.

If tasks are done with the expectation that when complete they will bring happiness, it’s a huge let down when they do not. There’s nothing wrong with setting goals either and in fact it’s a good idea to plan some things in advance but if you are not satisfied now, you are not likely to be later either.

• I love this quote: ‘If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.’ You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled. –Charles Haddon Spurgeon

There are so many celebrities that have overdosed or committed suicide. I often wonder if it’s because they had everything they thought would bring them happiness only to realize it wasn’t enough.

How to stop searching and be satisfied now?

• A gratitude journal is a very good way of realizing what you have to be grateful for and to stop taking things for granted. It only takes a few minutes to come up with five things for the day.

• Meditation is also a good way to quiet your soul because it clears your mind of clutter and puts you in the present moment. When you are still and focus on your breathing and/or just enjoy nature you come away refreshed.

• Simply stopping to enjoy the simple things in life is important to your peace of mind. Savor the flavors of your food slowly, stop a minute to look at that dandelion a child has pointed out, stop and listen a minute to the street musician on the corner.

• Taking the time to help someone else is satisfying. Donating money is not the only way you can contribute to helping others. Volunteering, visiting a sick friend or calling someone you know is lonely are all ways that you can give your time. By helping others, you also help yourself by putting things in perspective.

Wayne Dyer discusses what happens if you act as if you are deficient in some way or need fixed. Of course you will never feel you have enough with this mind set but many of us do it. It’s basically “the secret” before it came out in different packaging.

If you ever said or thought, “Once I get that fill in the blank, then I’ll be happy” then you’re operating on the premise that you’re deficient. I have been doing this lately with sleep. Once I get a good nights sleep, I will be alight.

If you can’t stop and appreciate what you have in the present, then you will probably not be grateful for what you get in the future. You never “arrive” because you’re still not satisfied since something is always lacking. Even when some people obtain their dream house they will say, It’s nice but it’s too bad it doesn’t have a fireplace, bigger yard, better scenery etc. It’s never enough.

Wayne Dyer is one of my favorite authors and has helped me through plenty of my messed up moments. He was still in the process of writing “You’ll See it When You Believe It” in this talk, which is also an excellent book.

This video is part 1 of Wayne Dyer on No Limit People, who he says accept themselves for who they are. They also appreciate what they have so are able to enjoy the present moment instead of worrying about what they don’t have.

… have a panic attack at school, come home, deal with awful people on the phone then cry. If you don’t barf, good for you.

I had a hard day today, and thankfully, my mom and my bestest made me feel better. Rather than write about my rough day, I’m going to write about some positivity I’ve been aware of lately instead. They are random, but tomorrow, there are anger entries going up (thanks for the inspiration Crys!) and so enjoy the happiness now.

*The video I posted makes me laugh every time I watch it!

*America’s Next Top Model is on tonight. I’m a fan of reality TV and watch this show pretty religiously. I like it.
*I got to spend some time with Bestest SD last night. BabyN was (mostly) cute and I’m glad that he’s still fascinated by Aunt Sarah’s polka-dot shirts. I gave him a quarter.
*Bestest SH is coming to see me this weekend. I need a hug so badly and she gives the bestest ones.
*Bestest SD and Bestest SH are meeting one another for the first time on Sunday. I am so excited for them. They are going to get along splendiferously.
*Splendiferously is a good word, huh?
*It’s fall in Oregon. This fall is the most colorful I’ve ever seen Portland. Besides being so wet, cold, rainy windy and moist, I really like fall this year.
*I’ve been listening to Keith & The Girl in the past two days in hope of catching up. They make me laugh. If I were drinking anything, I would spit it out my nose sometimes.
*My friends love me. I have had two of them verbalize that to me in the past 24 hours. With my friends, I liberally use those three words, but it means so much to me to hear it in return from them, or to hear them say it first.
*My mom told me she’d pay $40 kakillion for my body if I tried to sell it. I think she wins.

300: a great movie. I enjoyed it. *nods*

300: the year the year the city of Split is built.

300: how many more hits I need in September to break my March record! Pass the word on, people!

I’m in a funk today. I’m overwhelmed, stressed out, not laughing, and just not myself. *le sigh*

I think it’s because of the major change in my life lately but I’m not sure it’s 100% that. I haven’t seen MamaDee in almost two weeks and I miss her. I am going to see her on Sunday, but still that’s been too long. School has me stressed out, I’ve had a lot of random little things to do this week and have had some snafus pop up with regards to school. I am thinking about finding a part-time job on top of everything, but with this week being SO stressful, I don’t know if that’s a smart idea!

mental & emotional health, blog hits, raising traffic, Portland State University, college, education, friends

So, as of this week I’ve been off Prozac for five months. I feel incredible. I still have rough days, but overall, have learned to manage my anxiety and depression with healthy habits and life-changes. I haven’t sunk into a hole and avoided everyone (unless you can count work as a hole) and I haven’t ignored my friends because of a funk. I’m pretty impressed with myself actually.

School starts on Monday and I’m really looking forward to the changes that is going to bring. I am going to be enveloped in books and class and studying and pens and tests and crazy Freshmen and it’s all going to be new, but still very familiar.

It used to be that I had a hard time making friends, but I’ve learned that it’s not so hard, and it’s not impossible for me. It’s been interesting to me to look back on the friendships that I’ve made in the past five months and see how they differ from friendships of five years ago. I keep myself and my previous struggles relatively quiet and to myself, until I think a person is “ready” to hear about them.

Yesterday I spent the day with a good friend at the beach, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. We laughed so hard my stomach hurt more than a dozen times, we sang along badly to all sorts of music and it was worth the gas and the drive-time. I am proud to see myself as this changed woman, and I feel good about the way my life has been altered. My favorite thing to hear lately has been; “I don’t even recognize you!” because I know I haven’t physically changed - they’re seeing what I’m feeling.

mental & emotional health, personal, change, depression, anxiety

As of this year, I have been living with depression for ten years. I’ve been dealing with feelings of worthlessness, social withdrawal, and at my worst, suicidal tendencies for a decade now. I am 25-years-old and have lived with this illness since I was 15; it is a part of me, and while I am more than just depressed, it is a huge part of who I am. However, lately I’ve noticed that things are changing for me.

Lately I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling HAPPY more often than not.
~little things make me happy; being invited to a movie-night with my friends, getting a phone call from my best friend, laughing with my mom about our mutual love for Willie Nelson

Lately I’ve noticed that I am smiling all the time.
~during my entire hike over the weekend I was smiling, putting on my sunhat to sit in the super-hot Oregon weather made me smile, seeing that there is a new episode of A&E’s Intervention onDemand made me smile (although I will probably eventually cry from it)

Lately I’ve noticed that I’ve been enjoying my life!
~my work thoroughly pleases me, I’m really looking forward toschool starting in September, even my neighbor’s incessant hammering (remodeling) isn’t bothering me like it used to, reading has become an absolute pleasure for me again instead of just an escape

Lately I’ve noticed that while I have my depressed moments, they are becoming fewer and farther between.
~even while so upset about the finality of my relationship with Mr.E., it took me 40 hours to move past it and realize that I’m worth more than that, I had a panic attack early last week and it was the first one that I can remember having in months and months

Lately I’ve noticed that my coping methods when I am depressed have changed.
~instead of feeling the need to escape (by reading, having a beer or two, not answering the phone/hiding), I’ve reached out when I’ve felt depressed. I’ve made it known to friends when I’m feeling down and I have been asking for help. This is a huge change for me.

Lately I’ve been weirded out that this stuff is changing. I don’t quite know what to do with myself; so instead of thinking about it too much, I’m sitting back and enjoying it!!

Hi, my name is Sarah; I smile a lot lately.

mental and emotional health, depression, anxiety, Accutane, depression causes, happy, healing, healthy, smiling, enjoying life, coping methods, relationships, dating

Tonight I felt like giving up … just throwing in a towel and moving home with my parents and just hiding in their spare bedroom for a while. I don’t really want to get into why, but it has been a tough last two hours. Things will get better, and I know that, but right now I just want to sit in a hole and cry.

I remember a poem that my mom (who talked me through my tears tonight) used to have on a magnet on the fridge when I was growing up. I had to look it up to share it with you all.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Don’t Quit
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and its turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When they might have won, had they stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victors cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when your hardest hit,
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This poem reminds me of standing in front of the fridge as a little kid and made me feel a bit better. I know I can’t just give up and that I must persevere through this muck. I must remember to keep my chin up, think about the positive things in my life (my loving parents, my friends, my fun co-workers/bosses, my education, the fact that I get to continue my education) instead. I will make it through this. I promise you and I promise myself.

Well, instead of getting a news day, you’re getting a “news-day” about me. I really feel like I haven’t addressed my own mental health in a while and I think it’s time again.

1. Today is day 3 off my Prozac. I moved on Saturday and haven’t found a new pharmacy to have my medication refilled. I am really surprised that I haven’t started having weird cut-off symptoms.

2. However, I am depressed. I feel a crying jag coming on and have been distracting myself with podcasts, happy music, and reading books. I am pulling away from people again and I see myself doing it.

3. My old psychiatrist (ScubaSteve) has called me twice in the past two weeks wanting to check in. I should call him back, but what am I going to tell him? I know I’ll just lie to him and tell him that I’m fine, I’ve got a great new job, live by myself now and am doing great, but I don’t even have the energy to lie over the telephone to anyone now.

4. I had a dating revelation the other night and it has been sitting weird in my stomach (not my brain or my heart, mind you) since then. I actually made myself sick to my stomach (and threw up) over-thinking things. I don’t really know what to do about this and I don’t even know that I really care.

5. Sadly, I don’t care about a lot of things right now. I get up, I go to work (I actually DO enjoy my job, though) and then I either come home, go on a date or meet up with a friend. I don’t really care though. I could do anything at this point and not really care. This apathy, it doesn’t bother me. I am apathetic about my apathy.

6. Not only am I becoming strangely apathetic about things, I am also overly-anxious about things as well. You would think that this wouldn’t match up well, but I can not care about some things (hanging all those pictures stacked against the wall over there), and still be overly-anxious about other things (running at 110% while at work to impress my bosses). I wish I could be overly-anxious about my apathy.

7. I am enjoying living alone … because no one can make me feel guilty for watching shit TV, for dancing along with So You Think You Can Dance or for wandering the house naked; but I miss having someone to talk to. Music (or a podcast) has been playing essentially since I moved into my new place.

8. I have to actually convince myself to go out and do things lately … I am going to see MrsTee this weekend for her wedding reception & house-warming party. I am going. I am not letting myself not go. But I know that an hour before I’m supposed to leave I am going to think up any and every excuse in the book to talk myself out of going. I hate that about my depression.

9. My dating revelation makes me want to give up on dating. This attitude is spreading from just dating to everything else already … it’s been THREE DAYS. This makes me want to shout the eff-word as loud as I can over and over again.

10. My mask is back on. I am pretending, for those who are around me and don’t know me well, that everything is hunky-dory and I’m doing great. I’ve learned to do this so well I am believing in my own lie and ignoring the signs that there is a problem. I know what I need to do to fix this, but time and time again, in my head, I am saying; “I don’t know what to do.”

So yeah, I’m not doing so well, but everything’s fine.

mental and emotional health, personal, apathy, dating, depression, anxiety, medication compliance, lies

I read a nice article earlier today on 10 Golden Rules for Praising Children and thought that I would share it. You can absolutely apply these to your own life with both children AND adults!

Praise and encouragement is as important to children as three square meals a day. Feeling loved and appreciated feeds their confidence, while friendly, loving advice helps them grow up strong, happy and secure. But childcare experts believe that not all praise works to boost children’s confidence. In fact, it could do the exact opposite, says parenting writer Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, author of ‘Raising and Praising Boys’ and ‘Raising and Praising Girls’ (Vermilion, £6.99).

Here’s her advice for accentuating the positive:

1. Avoid the adoration trap. Resist the temptation to gush and put children on a pedestal. Boys, in particular, hate it. Praise what they’ve done, not who they are: kids won’t build up strength and inner reserves if they feel they have to ‘earn’ your love all the time. Ways to say it: ‘That was a terrific goal you managed to score against a tough opposition. You pulled out all the stops for that one…’ works better than ‘You are terrific on the football pitch. I love you so much.’ I’m a bit confused by the “football pitch” line; do you really pitch in football?

I grew up in a pretty small town. There were 20,000 people and most of them were conservative, white, blue collar workers. In this town, you either were a nerd, a jock, or a stoner. (I got to be in the “nerd” category, and still don’t mind that!) There wasn’t much to do in this town (two bowling alleys and, after my Sophomore year of high school, a roller skating rink. I mostly hung out with my friends at their houses doing random things that were “nerdy.” I didn’t think much of it until I moved away to college.

In college, I joined (approximately) 39,999 other people in a larger town, with people of all different races, ethnicities, educational backgrounds, financial situations, sexualities, and whatnot. I was blown away by these new people, and made friends quickly and felt comfortable with everyone. During my junior year at school I took a women’s studies class (that I loved) about violence against women. My professor was from Minnesota and one day mentioned that this college wasn’t very diverse. It got me thinking; I came from a little town and this new town was diverse. Professor came from a huge town and this new town was not diverse. Interesting how that works out.

The whole point of this post was that I spent my weekend with a family who absolutely understands tolerance. Mr.Cee is gay. He came out of the closet in his early high school years (in the little town of 20,000) and then moved to an even smaller town. He made friends, his family continued to love him, and nothing was too shocking for them. Mr.Cee moved to New York City where, while doing IV drugs, he contracted HIV. His family, rather than shunning him, have rallied around him and continued to show their love & support towards him. Mr.Cee started a treatment for Hepatitis C a few weeks ago and his medication has made him pretty sick and makes him feel worn out as well. He came to town for a family party, and watching his family surround him with love, even though they haven’t seen him in years, was really cool.

I feel like I lost my train of thought a million times during this post. I may address this again when I have more thoughts actually put together. Enjoy your Tuesday!!

mental and emotional health, tolerance, HIV, AIDS, hepatitis C, family, Roseburg, Oregon State University

The Power of Positive Thinking

Well, I haven’t talked much about it lately, but I’ve been incredibly depressed lately. My joblessness, the stress of moving (and still not knowing exactly where to) and the anniversaries that are approaching have me quite at odds with my mental self. Yesterday, I was really down, and I told myself, before going to bed, that I was going to have a great day today, that something positive would occur and that whatever that positive thing may be, I was going to concentrate only on it.

Earlier today I received a phone call from a place I had previously interviewed with (RTG). They have three branches and I interviewed for a receptionist with the Pearl branch and didn’t get it because I was overqualified. They apparently passed my name on to their Lake Oswego branch and the LO branch wants to interview me tomorrow for a higher-up position. I spent abotu 10 minutes just THRILLED with this fact and then when I was bummed out early this afternoon, I thought about it again. It made me happy!

Then, another place (medical clinic) called me for another interivew later on tomorrow! I’m going to go to that, too, just to see how it goes. The fact that I have two interviews scheduled made me stressed, so I thought about the positive aspect of it, and then not ten minutes later I got an email from the ballroom dance telling me that they were hiring me. I have a job!!!! I am still going to my two interviews tomorrow, but I have a job! *doin’ the job dance*

I am going to be working Monday-Thursday from 7am-3pm and Friday’s from 7am-4pm (whoo hoo for a whole hour of OT!) as a studio coordinator. I am going to be doing dance lesson scheduling (ballroom, not ballet!), advertising stuff (read: creative projects!), taking funds, and helping keep the dance studio running. I am REALLY excited about the job and the fact that it’s a new position is great for me, since I already have ideas!

So yeah, if you had something positive happen today (did someone smile at you?) concentrate on it for a while. See what comes of it!

mental and emotional health, positive thinking, happiness, new jobs, ballroom dancing, job interviews, positivity

Today I turn 25. At 1:50pm, 25 years ago, my mom (naturally) gave birth to me. Kinda scary to think about. Anyway, happy birthday to me … I’m officially 1/2-way to fifty.

My parents drove up to take me to dinner (and give me boxes and tape and a present!) and mom asked me at one point if I felt old … and I don’t, but I feel weird. “I’m 25 and divorced.” Neither of my parents had much to say about that … I think it made them uncomfortable, but we moved on shortly thereafter. This morning I woke up early and spent a little while thinking about the things that I’ve done in the past 25 years that have made me incredibly proud; I don’t have much material on my mind for REAL mental and emotional health, but concentrating on my OWN mental and emotional health, I thought I’d list some of the things I’m more proud of from the past 25 years.

~I learned to read at an exceptionally early age. I was barely 4 when I read books aloud to strangers. My dad took me to jobsites with him and I impressed teachers by “reading” to them. They assumed that I was going to make up the stories and then I actually read the book to them. I read all the time still; I love to read.

~I wrote a story that was published when I was in 3rd grade. It was a HORRIBLE story about a horse who had trouble walking. I named the horse Sarah. Psychologically there is probably something strange about that. “Readers dream, dreamers write.” I both dream and write … this is a pretty cool thing to me.

~I joined the Talented and Gifted program in 4th grade. I was a smart kid. I still feel like a smart kid most days. (I stayed in TAG until they disbanded it in 8th grade.)

~I started my own business in the 6th grade, selling and teaching about owl pellets. My friend Brandi and I made good money doing this. We collected the owl pellets from her grandpa’s barn, sold them for a dollar a piece (school science catalogs sold them for $4 a piece) and our elementary school principal drove us to other schools to give presentations and teach younger kids about owls and mice. It’s gross, but we made money and teachers thought we were super-cool.

~In 8th grade, I was the top English student in my “neighborhood.” Our grade was split into two neighborhoods (I was in the gold one, and the other was the blue one) and I got to be the top English student. I got a pretty plaque and my parents were invited to a ceremony and I won an award and all that stuff. I still have the plaque and am STILL proud of this.

~In 10th grade I was accepted into the GAPP (German-American Partnership Program) by my high school German teacher. My family hosted an exchange student (Britta) and then six months later I spent 5 weeks in Germany. I loved this time and learned much about myself. I was 16 (my gosh, this doesn’t feel like it was a DECADE ago!) and had an amazing time!

~I graduated high school. I was in the top 10.15%. I was ONE person off of being in the top 10% of my graduating class and actually felt awful having to sit with the “regular” people. That sounds horribly pretentious, but all my friends were in the first row … and I was way back with the H’s. : ( I survived and I know that it was only a numbers game, but still. I graduated high school!

~I got accepted to the only college I applied to; Oregon State University. Looking back I feel DUMB for only applying to ONE school since I was such a good student in high school (and very, very active!). Who knows where I could have gone if I had decided to be brave and GO somewhere!

~In college I was continually on the Dean’s List and honor roll. I was invited to join honor societies (and I think I joined one … LOL … I can’t really remember) even though I barely passed Chemistry. I got one B in my major (German) in four years and am incredibly proud of such a high college major GPA.

~After my divorce, I have survived and THRIVED. I am a happy, strong, capable woman, and I have learned more about myself in the past 11 months than I had in the previous 11 years. I am incredibly proud of myself for these things.

So, yeah, I’ve done plenty of things to be proud of in the past 25 years. I have no regrets and wouldn’t change a thing … otherwise I wouldn’t be who I am. As a birthday present to me; leave me a comment and tell me why you’re proud of yourself!

mental and emotional health, birthdays, getting older, pride, reading, learning to read, writing, getting published, TAG, talented and gifted program, starting your own business, entrepeneur, owl pellets, dissection, English, awards, GAPP, German-American Partnership Program, Germany, exchange students, high school, graduation, top 10%, college acceptance, Oregon State University, Dean’s List, honor roll, German, divorce, thriving, regrets

I used to keep a list of affirmations near me at most times … they were especially helpful after harsh words. I was cleaning out my harddrive of my laptop yesterday afternoon and I found them. They currently read:

1. I am intelligent.
2. I am loved and loveable.
3. I am beautiful.
4. I am accomplished.

I was thinking that maybe, to help myself out of my funk from yesterday I would extrapolate on those four affirmations for me to look back on.

1. I am intelligent. I have always been a good student. I graduated high school in the top 15% of my class. I took multiple honors courses. I graduated from college with an above-average GPA and have a degree in a foreign language. I still know this foreign language! I read all the time just to educate myself. I have brains. I got into school again … I am a smart woman!

2. I am loved and loveable. Not only do I have a wide-circle of friends, I have an incredibly supportive set of parents. I have friends I could call at 2am and they would get up just to help me out. I could go to my parents with anything and they would still love me. My mom is the best cheerleader I’ve ever had and I know that she loves me. I have a huge extended family who love me as well.

3. I am beautiful. While I may not look like Natalie Portman or Julia Roberts, I have beautiful eyes. I receive compliments on them quite often. I also have incredibly straight teeth and take good care of them. I have an hour-glass figure that I am proud of, and since starting to run again, my legs are becoming more shapely. I clean up pretty well when I want to, and know which parts of me to accentuate.

4. I am accomplished. Along with being educated, I have a degree to prove that I have brains. I write for two paid blogging sites and have had a book “published” (in grade school) which proves that I can write. I got into multiple post-bacc programs for going back to school. I have worked successfully in a job for years and am being recruited by people I’m applying with now.

Do you keep any affirmations in your life? Would you like to have some affirmations? If you need help coming up with some, for now, I suggest checking out Daily Affirm.com. You can sign up to get daily affirmations emailed to you every day if you’d like!

mental and emotional health, affirmations, daily affirmations, Daily Affirm, pick-me-ups

I love words. I started using words very early (both in spoken and written language). I have always used words. I read books about words. I make up my own words. I have a degree in (foreign) words. I love words.

Words give language their power and its potential to hurt or heal us. Everyone can remember a time (sometimes even years ago) when someone said something to you that hurt or picked you up more than anything else. Words stick with us! I remember the first true compliment I ever got … it was from a teacher in grade school who told me that I had “the most beautiful single-dimple I’ve ever seen.” Thinking back on it, it might be creepy, but it’s stuck with me all my life. When I feel ugly, I can think about this teacher’s words and they help to heal my own personal hurt. The words my ex-husband used to tell me that he was leaving me “you’re not worth taking care of” will also stick with me forever. When people talk about taking care of one another, those words are immediately what come to mind. Words can hurt and words can heal. What we say has weight.

The more aware we are of the fact that words have weight, the more we can deepen our relationship to those words. We can use this relationship to create feeling and emotional meaning with those words. Words are no longer an abstract & disconnected grouping of letters mashed together; they are powerful transmitters of feeling. I have a suggestion for you to help you recognize this. For the next few days, notice how words are affecting your body & your mental & emotional health. Notice how you can have different types of communication styles with the people in your lie. Notice how your own words come out and how other people around you react to them.

When you speak quickly, do your words have less meaning behind them? Are they less powerful? If you take your time, think about what you want to say, and listen to ourselves before you speak, do your words have more meaning and are they more powerful? If we can carefully think about what we say, we may be able to “harness the power of speech.” Allow your words to be able couriers of both therapeutic strength and radiance. Allow them to routinely transmit deep and positive feelings towards both the sender and the receiver.

mental and emotional health, words, power, healing, hurting, strength

When you are through changing, you are through. ~Bruce Barton

For most people, change brings about a high level of stress, uncertainty and even turmoil. For me, change brings freshness, difference, and excitement; except when it comes to things that have always been one way changing. On Friday I drove into Corvallis, Oregon; my old college-days stomping grounds, and I was surprised to see the bridge on the way out of town covered in white plastic and black tubing and surrounded by construction equipment. I don’t rubber-neck at accidents (and get quite annoyed at those who do) but I rubber-necked at the bridge. What are they doing to my bridge? That’s the best way out of town! It’s off the main drag in town! What are they doing to it? I was seriously concerned at this change.

As I was early for meeting with my friends I drove over to Borders to do some reading and some reminiscing. The Corvallis Borders is perfect for reminiscing as I spent quite a bit of time during college here. I lived (literally) across the street and although I refused to look at it (maybe for fear that it had changed?) the four-plex I spent two years of my life living in, is visible. I think part of the reason I refused to look at it, (or drive by it, even though it’s faster & I miss traffic) is that I lived there while I was married. It was the first apartment the Ex and I lived in without other roommates. It was the apartment he proposed to me in. It was the first apartment we lived in while we were married. That four-plex holds so many memories for me, and since I’m actually in Corvallis to avoid some memories, I probably subconsciously refused to look at it.

Tomorrow is the Ex’s birthday. For the first time in ten years we are not spending it together. For the first time in a decade, I did not buy him a birthday card or a birthday present and I won’t make him a birthday dinner. I am happy to be divorced. I am happy to be single. I am happy that I’m on my own and am learning who I am, but it’s weird to have this sort of change in my life. I’m sure my birthday (in just a few weeks) will be even stranger for me. I will turn 25. I will be a quarter-of-a-century old. I will be celebrating my first single birthday since I turned 14. It’s weird. It’s absolutely strange to think about that, but also very empowering and evocative as well.

I am going to start my own tradition this year, I haven’t decided what that tradition will be, but I am going to set things up in my head to actually celebrate my birthday. I will spend the day doing what I want and even if I can’t spend money, spoiling myself. I am going to look at free things to do in the city and see if I can’t get some friends to go hang out with me (even though my birthday is on a Tuesday night!) to celebrate. Something good will be coming for me in my 25th year. I am anticipating the change and looking forward to the excitement and newness that I will experience.

What kind of tradition do you think I should start?

mental and emotional health, change, divorce, stress, birthday, traditions, newness