Mental & Emotional Health

This is a guest post by Derek Williams. He has taken numerous psychology courses in university and is interested in continuing to explore ways to improve mental and emotional health.

Many of us live lives that are full of chaos and disruptive factors. We long for the peace that comes when the children are finally at school or the baby is asleep or the whole house is at a quiet standstill.

However, it is during these active and sometimes chaotic times that we can find ourselves losing our tempers with family members (or close friends). It is often when you are asked a simple question such as “when will supper be ready?” or “have you seen my blue math book?” that the kettle finally reaches its’ boiling point.

Some of us can’t help but to let go with a barrage of yelling about everything that our busy day has entailed from the time that we woke up to the present state that they now find ourselves in. But who is this barrage directed at?

Surely one single person has not caused us to be so stressed that they need to hear it (and hear it in spades). There has not been a child or a husband or any family member or friend that has caused this build-up of emotion to finally release it in their general direction. So why then do we direct the fruits of a rotten or stressful day in the direction of a loved one that has not caused all of this tension?

Truth be known, it is usually a matter of convenience. The person who we sometimes explode on is usually in the wrong place at the wrong time. This unfortunate scenario is known as redirection of anger. We even find ourselves yelling at a family pet when we’ve had one of “those days”

Next time before you blow up at someone who doesn’t deserve the full force of your wrath due to daily stresses, stop, step back and look at the situation. To use two clichés back to back, will you let spilled milk be the straw that breaks the camel’s back? Let’s hope not. Keep your head and let the little things go.

I have included the video Stop Getting Abused and Learn Healthy Boundaries which briefly goes over these fighting words. Thanks to Jef Gazley M.S. from AsktheInternetTherapist.

You

When trying to communicate feelings to someone one of the worst words to start a conversation with is you. It comes across as finger pointing and blaming. It puts people on the defensive because it makes it sound as though they’re on trial.

Examples: “You ruined dinner.” “You made me mad.” “You hurt my feelings.”

Better: Use I statements. “I was disappointed dinner was disrupted.” “I feel angry about that.” My feelings were hurt…or I feel sad, hurt etc.

Always

This one probably drives just about everyone crazy because most don’t always do anything. “You’re always late.” “You always say that.” One of my kids has grabbed onto this one and I keep correcting her. Ahhh! I don’t always say that! This is another good reason not to use it because it will come back to haunt you from your children.

Never

This sounds just as drastic as the word always and ticks people off. You never help me. You never come through. Again, it puts people on the defensive and will add more fuel to the fire. If you truly want help with something, starting out by saying someone never helps will not motivate them to do so.

The best way to manage anger is by avoiding unnecessary conflict with your own behavior and words. You could combine these words and fire them all out at once. I have probably done it at one point or another but it’s not very smart or mature. It will also probably cause an argument if one wasn’t already happening.

Boundaries: Stop Getting Abused And Learn Healthy Boundaries

Some children are more prone to angry outbursts than others are especially if they happen to have certain conditions or disorders. A couple that comes to mind is ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

Understanding that they may need help in dealing with their anger and excusing it are two different things.

If your child is clocked on the head by another child and the parent says, “Oh, he has an oppositional defiance disorder”, that hardly excuses it.

I witnessed something like this happen and it made me angry because there were no consequences given. These children still need to learn from their actions as everyone else does with discipline and consequences.

Seeking professional help is advisable in some circumstances as there are some things that we as parents cannot treat or resolve on our own.

Helping Children Deal With Anger

The biggest way we teach children how to deal with anger is by example or through our actions. Talking is important as well but if the words and actions don’t match, it doesn’t mean much.

• Ways we teach children by example are by having them witness how we react to stresses that normally cause anger. Do we jump up and down, scream and curse or take a deep breath and leave the room?

• Try to teach empathy. I’m aware that this is easier with some children than others because I have a few of them. Talking about their feelings is good but exploring with them how another might feel in the same situation is even better. It’s possible to do this without guilt trips although I don’t claim to have perfected this.

• Make sure that they know that their feelings of anger are ok. It’s the actions that are not acceptable.

• Teach problem-solving skills. Again, one of the best ways to do this is through your actions but talking out ideas and role-playing are also useful.

Once your child has had an angry outburst or temper tantrum, there are various ways to deal with it. Sometimes the method you choose depends on their age.

• Removing your child from the room is usually the most effective IMO, but it’s also important to explain why you’re doing it. Sometimes you may have to actually pick them up and carry them to do this. This way they have time alone to calm down and are not as apt to act out without an audience.

If you have children, what ways do you deal with your their angry outbursts? If you have any more ideas feel free to share.

So, the anger tests from last week told you that you were an angry person. (You threw something at your computer after that, didn’t you?) Well, what can you do about that?

Consciously choose to remain calm during anger-inducing situations. Instead of reacting immediately, stop & think. Think about your ultimate goals for the situation you’re in and react in an appropriate way. Literally choose to be calm. (You’re stuck in traffic and get angry about it. You want to scream and flip people off and get irate. Well … what is that going to do? Your goal is to get where you’re going, and getting angry isn’t going to help you advance to your goal. Use this time to make some phone calls, even call someone to vent, sing along to your radio and consciously choose to keep cool.)

Talk about your anger. If a specific person has angered you, tell them. Take a few moments after realizing your anger (to consciously choose to remain calm) and then use your words to express your anger. Keep your words PG and use “I feel” statements rather than “you” statements. Don’t accuse, but express your own feelings. The more composed and put-together you are, the more mature you’ll come across, and the more likely you are to get a more positive reaction. Choose to keep yourself relaxed.

If you need to, leave the anger-inducing situation. Leave until you can choose to keep yourself from reacting before thinking. Sometimes this is easier than others, but if you take things five minutes at time (which is how I make it through rough patches in my own life) you can handle any situation. Remember to relax as you’ve left the situation and think before you explode. Make conscious decisions! Choose to keep your internal self put together.

Take care of yourself. Do things you like to do; go for a long swim or a run, read a book, bake some bread, visit with friends, take your son to the park and watch him be amazed by grass! Then, when you’re in an anger-inducing situation, think back on these things that you so enjoy to do and let it soothe your increased blood pressure. Looking at these positive things is helpful for many Chose to remember the happy times during times of stress!

I realize that these may seem easier to read about than to implement, but by being aware that you are angry and that you can CHOOSE to be angry, you may start realizing that you can also choose NOT to be angry.

mental & emotional health, anger, anger management, anger management techniques, choices

Is it a bad thing that I’m enjoying the process of writing my series on anger? I don’t know what it is, but there is something about writing on a subject I don’t experience that makes me excited. That’s right, I’m not an angry person. I get stressed very easily, I am very emotionally sensitive, I cry at the drop of a hat, but I’m not an angry person. *shrug* It’s just not in me to actually be outwardly angry.

Most people are aware of their anger. They know that they’re upset with the traffic, with their professor, with the person at the bar who cuts in line for their next drink. However, how do you know if you’re angrier than other people? Today I’m providing some links to show you whether you’re “overly” angry!

Are You Angrier Than Others?
If you google “anger test” you get almost a million & a half responses … so I picked out some that I liked for you to test yourself. See if you’re angrier than others and then continue reading about measures you can take to manage your anger.
Anger Test from Psychology Hypnotic World - they say I’m not angry
The Anger Profile Test - says I’m not angry.
An Emotional IQ Test tests for anger - they say I’m not an angry person, too!

While you can’t get rid of everything in your life that angers you (if you do know how, share! You’d be a gafrillionaire!), you can find strategies to help you deal with your reactions to those stressors. “The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes.”

Check back soon for some anger management tips!

mental & emotional health, anger, anger tests, anger management

Today I’d like to continue my series on anger & it’s effect on our lives.

The American Psychological Association & psychologist Charles Speilberger (PhD) describes anger as “an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury & rage.” Your heart rate goes up, your blood pressure increases, your energy hormones, adrenaline and noradrenaline also increase - just like with stress! Internal and external events can cause anger. You can be cut off in a traffic jam and become angry just as easily as you can forget to go to an advising appointment and become angry at yourself. (Yes, I’ve been there, done that.) Even remembering previous situations can make a person angry!

As I wrote yesterday, anger is normally expressed through aggressive actions. However, if you punch everyone you get mad at, you won’t last long in our society. There are laws, social norms, and most importantly common sense that hold our anger to a certain “public” level.

Three Ways
Expressing your anger is the healthiest way to deal with these angry feelings. You must remember, though, that you need to express them in an assertive, but non-aggressive manner. You make your needs clear, you learn how to meet those needs and you do it without hurting. You can be assertive without being pushy & demanding.

Suppressing your anger happens when you hold your anger in, stop thinking about the anger and then transfer those thoughts to something positive. (Conversion & redirection with your anger.) This is making your anger more construction (rather than destructive) and can be dangerous. Why? If you’re not letting your anger out, you’re sitting on it and there is a possibility of turning it on yourself! “Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure and depression.” (There you are Crys!)

Non-expressed anger can also create problems. This non-expression can lead to passive-aggressive behavior (”getting even” with people without telling them that you’re angry and why you’re acting the way you are) or a continual cynical and hostile personality. People who put others down, criticize those around them, and make cynical comments all the time have not constructively learned to express their anger.

mental & emotional health, anger, anger expression

I had a comment recently from Crystal at EwokMama: Parenting Left of the Middle asking about anger being a sign of depression. I did a little research, and have found that some lists of symptoms do have it listed while other don’t. I would say that if you aren’t normally angry, anger can be a sign of depression. This lead me to read more about anger and I was intrigued, as the body seems to react the same way to anger and aggression as it does to stress.

Six Core Emotions
Anger is on Ekman & Freisen’s list of “six core emotions” (along with happiness, sadness, surprise, disgust & fear). Anger is part of the body’s “fight or flight” reaction to the threat (or the perceived threat) of pain (physical/emotional/mental). (I have always found it highly interesting that there is only ONE positive “core” emotion listed, by the way!) Each of these core emotions are able to be deciphered in a photograph - looking at a face, you can normally categorize it into one of these six emotions.

We’re Not That Different
When threatened in nature, animals make loud noises (think about monkeys screeching when one takes something from another) , attempt to look physically bigger (think about cats puffing up & bristling when something starts to anger them), bare their teeth (think about dogs growing at the edge of the fence at a postman) and stare (think about the bear you run into on your hiking path just watching you). Humans seem to do this same thing (crying or screaming instead of growing, taking deep breaths to fill their chests with air, grimacing and showing teeth, and having a regular ‘ole stare down), only proving that we’re not that different than most mammals. Generally, anger is patterned to tell the anger-inducer; “stop your behaviors before I react in a harmful or threatening way in return.”

mental & emotional health, anger, core emotions