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Boundaries & Fighting Words

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Kung Fu: Sonja MildnerI have included the video Stop Getting Abused and Learn Healthy Boundaries which briefly goes over these fighting words. Thanks to Jef Gazley M.S. from AsktheInternetTherapist.

You

When trying to communicate feelings to someone one of the worst words to start a conversation with is you. It comes across as finger pointing and blaming. It puts people on the defensive because it makes it sound as though they’re on trial.

Examples: “You ruined dinner.” “You made me mad.” “You hurt my feelings.”

Better: Use I statements. “I was disappointed dinner was disrupted.” “I feel angry about that.” My feelings were hurt…or I feel sad, hurt etc.

Always

This one probably drives just about everyone crazy because most don’t always do anything. “You’re always late.” “You always say that.” One of my kids has grabbed onto this one and I keep correcting her. Ahhh! I don’t always say that! This is another good reason not to use it because it will come back to haunt you from your children.

Never

This sounds just as drastic as the word always and ticks people off. You never help me. You never come through. Again, it puts people on the defensive and will add more fuel to the fire. If you truly want help with something, starting out by saying someone never helps will not motivate them to do so.

The best way to manage anger is by avoiding unnecessary conflict with your own behavior and words. You could combine these words and fire them all out at once. I have probably done it at one point or another but it’s not very smart or mature. It will also probably cause an argument if one wasn’t already happening.


Boundaries: Stop Getting Abused And Learn Healthy Boundaries


Posted in Anger, General on February 18th, 2008

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